Under Achievers...

It's difficult to know what to write. When I was in writing classes in college my instructors stressed the necessity of knowing your audience. I have no idea who will read this and at what point in time relative to me posting it. Friend, stranger, relative, lover. In a way I suppose I should write as if I am my own audience. I think that's what I have been doing anyway, though I probably wasn't aware of it.
I was thinking about envy, bitterness and pride. These are traits that I seem to have been carrying with me for some time now. Envious of others whom I felt had more than me. Bitter against my son's father for not being the man we needed him to be. And prideful to the point of arrogance to cover up for my insecurities. I've been walking around in state of self pity and depression for so long I had begun to consider them personality traits. That's sad. Why is it so difficult to accept that I am a good person with flaws just like everyone else? Why is it so difficult to accept that most people I encounter are struggling with the same issues? I don't know when I began to do this. Constantly holding up my life against others and comparing. Who is smarter, more successful, more attractive, who is funnier or more likeable. What is that?
I don't consider myself competitive in the gaming sense. I generally expect to lose, so I rarely wager anything of consequence. When I was in first grade my teacher told my parents that I was an under achiever. It was never a lack of intelligence or ability, the area of motivation was where I was deficient. Yes, even at the tender age of 6 I was a slacker. I say that with a measure humor, but it really is quite sad. Unlike ADD or dislexia or other learning disorders, being categorized as an underachievers placed all the blame and power in my hands. But I'm still left with the nagging question. Is laziness a personality trait? Can you be born a slacker?
I've experienced periods in my life where I was very successful. After struggling to graduate high school, when I got to college I found myself on honor roll and deans list 3 semesters in a row. Even when I didn't get all A's and B's a rarely had an overall GPA lower than 3.0. When I first started at my current job I received many compliments, bonuses, and even a promotion for giving 110% and impressing my bosses. It seems however, that I reach a point where my momentum slow to a stop. Where does all my get up go? Even when I want to push myself, I feel tired and uninspired. I know I have mentioned before my defective memory, that serves to further exacerbate the problem.
This is not an ending or conclusion but I've had enough of this topic. I'm going home. Tomorrow's another day.