Thought for the Day

Some people are like Slinkies...
Not really good for anything,
but they still bring a smile to your face
when you push them down a flight of stairs.

The Ten Commandments of Black Stand-up

The Ten Commandments of Black Stand-up

1)Thou shalt use the word "nigger" freely. Every black stand-up comedian has a quota that they must fullfill... the more the merrier! Eddie Griffen inserts the word "nigger" between every three other ones.

2)Thou shalt use the words "mother" and "fucker" (in that order) as frequently as "nigger". See Commandment One, replace "nigger" with words "mother" and "fucker"

3)Thou shalt discuss the issue of race and racism. White people have been oppressing blacks forever; they still are. As a black stand-up comedian, it is your job to point this out to everyone.

4)Thou shalt discuss the past practice of slavery and/or reperations for said practice. What would it be like if you were a slave? Or if there was still slavery? Or, if you're especially good, what would the world be like today if white people were made slaves by blacks?

5)Thou shalt discuss politics in relation to race. Bill Clinton was an honorary black; George Bush and the rest of the GOP is out to get you (very true). Also, Washington DC does not get representation in Congress because if it did, it would mean two more black senators (AND WHO WANTS MORE BLACK SENATORS?!).

6)Thou shalt discuss sex and women. Express your views on women and their roles in society. Also, sex is good. You get crazy amounts of ass/pussy. Woman don't know what they've got; they are amazingly complex creatures. Man is very simple and straightforward.

7)Thou shalt talk about drugs. Every black comedian *must* smoke weed.

8)Thou shalt talk about thy childhood and thy past. All black comedians were raised in the ghetto, and must therefore impart upon the audience, who may or may not be able to relate.

9)Thou shalt make reference of black culture and black youth today. Why are blacks compelled to drop fifty thousand dollars on cars when they never pay the rent on their apartment? Also, those damned kids today. They have it so easy, with their nintendo/playstation/computers/etc.

10)Thou shalt make stereotypical impersonations at every chance. Every black comedian must have an impersonation of a white man, a hispanic man and (in light of recent events) an arabic man. If you can get these three voices down, all you have to do is throw in a "nigger" or "mother fucker" and the audience will laugh. 

As you might be able to imagine, these criteria often overlap.

100 things about me... update

1) I hate getting up in the morning and I would sleep until 2pm everyday if I could.
2)My best friend is Tiffany
3) I prefer silver to gold. Or white gold. Or platinum.
4) The last movie I saw was The Gospel with Boris Kogo. It was pretty good.
5) I love Nick at Nite and rarely watch any of the new TV shows
6) I stopped eating breakfast, I should start again
7) My best friend is Nika
8) My son is the only person who gets my sense of humor, because he's also cursed with it.
9) My middle name is Denise
10) Following up with number 1, my favorite place to be is my bed
11) I'm not a big fan of ice cream. I used to be until I got pregnant while working at Friendly's and eating it EVERY FREAKING DAY for 6 months.
12) I'm not a fan of popcorn either. At the movies I usually have the nachos
13) My favorite color is any shade of purple
14) My favorite movie ever is The Pelican Brief
15) My favorite book ever is If Tomorrow Comes
16) I think a deep, passionate kiss can be as erotic as actually having sex
17) I'm not a big fan of flowers and I don't have a favorite.
18) My favorite memory is the day I played hookie with Erik and went swimming in the fountains near the art museum.
19) Currently, my bed is a twin mattress on the floor of my son's old room.
20) My favorite brand of jeans is Baby Phat. They are expensive but they make my rear look great.
21) I don't think I will ever be able to retire. I will work until the day I die.
22) My best friend is Rob
23) My 27th birthday was a bit of a disappointment
24)I was born in Germany. For some reason people in my high school thought it was funny to ask me if I was a Nazi.
25) I was a cheerleader. It was the only thing I truly loved doing.
26) If I ever become wealthy I will buy myself a Jaguar S-Type
27) My best friend is Sondra
28) I think fabric softener is the most awesome smell in the universe
29) My sister is my best friend
30) It's 1:22 and my lunch break will be over soon
31) I wear a size 11 shoe. Yes, I have huge feet for a girl.
32) I have 3 kittens
33) I love the Spring. I'm like a cat in heat in the spring.
34) I don't think I have a best friend
35) I wish I was sleeping right now
36) My nickname used to be Kitten
37) Partially because I am very affectionate, partially because of my love of napping
38) I wanted to teach elementary school until I realized I don't like children
39) I mean, I like my son, just not other people's kids
40) I had chicken and brocoli pasta from Saladworks for lunch today
41) This probably isn't very interesting so far
42) Thank you for reading anyway
43) They just hired a new guy here, he will be my boss now
44) He's nice now, I hope he doesn't turn into a jerk
45) It's windy today
46) I would very much like to fall in love
47) I want to have more children once I'm married
48) It's 1:25 now
49) I need to go grocery shopping this weekend
50) I have a stalker-like crush on Allen Iverson
51) I have a non sexual crush on Beyonce
52)I haven't drank alcohol in over 4 years
53) I failed the written driving exam the first time.
54) I failed the in car test the first time. I almost drove off a cliff. That was fun.
55) I haven't had sex in... damn I can't even remember
56) One of my sisters has HIV
57) I'm listening to 107.9 fm on the radio
58 I prefer classic R&B to most of the new stuff
59) Rap music irritates me -I'm officially an old person
60) I like to consider myself a optimistically cynical realist
61) I have voted in every state and federal election since I turned 18
62) I can't date a man who doesn't read
63) It irritates me when people use "keeping it real" like it's an excuse to be tacky or trifling
64) In my past I had a tendency to date losers
65) Sometimes I want to speak up but I chicken out at the last minute
67) I hate dating lazy men
68) I am very loud, you know, during sex
69) ...if he's any good
70) I have never had a lesbian experience, though I have had 2 lesbians confess feelings for me; and 2 friends ask me to participate in threesomes with them and their boyfriends
71) It drives me nuts when people say "I could care less" It's "I COULDN'T care less." Idiot.
72) It drives me nuts when people say "de ja vu all over again." That's redundant. What the hell do they think de ja vu means?
73) When did "urban" become synonomous with "Black"? I'm Black but very much from the suburbs.
74) I have never felt the need to "rep my hood " or used the fact that I'm "from the streets" as an excuse to snap on someone or act a fool in public. Is that what being Black means?
75) Secretly, however, I wish sometimes that I was from "the streets" and I could act tough and scary and intimidate people just by telling them which block I was from or which high school I went to.
76) I've never been in a fight. Don't LAUGH!!
77) I lost my virginity when I was just 15
78) I want it back !
79) Sometimes when I get in disagreements with people I imagine picking up a chair and bashing them in the head with it
80) I just finished reading "The Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyers. Great book.
81) I am my own best friend
82) I don't think I know 100 things about myself.
83) I miss being in a choir, I love to sing
84) You can create your own reality, but there is only one truth (I made that up all by myself)
85) Despite my many faults and shortcomings I am a born again Christian
86) Sinners need God. If I was natually good of my own power then I wouldn't need Jesus.
87) It is because I know I will fall short that I asked God to help me be better
88) Yes I believe in hell
89) I would never tell someone they were going to hell. That is between that person and God.
90) I don't read the Bible as often as I should.
91) This completes the religious portion of the post
92) I wish I had more female friends
93) My son got in trouble the other day for acting up in class
94) It was a substitute, yeah, I remember substitutes.
95) When I was in high school I shop lifted a sterling silver serving spoon from King of Prussia Mall. I still have it.
96) I don't trust short people
97) This one time, at band camp...
98) I was going to say something inappropriate here, but thought better of it.
99) I read the book Meridian by Alice Walker during my pregnancy. I was so impressed with the character that if I had a girl I would have named her Meridian.
100) I don't have anything else. Sorry.

Wisdom

So make the best of this test
And don't ask why
It's not a question
But a lesson learned in time