Patiently Waiting...

I have decided that I want something, but I'm not going to tell you what it is. The thing I want is irrelevant right now. The point is, I am learning that patience is a crucial part of maturity. Not just the ability to wait, but the ability to keep a positive attitude while waiting. No tantrums, no pouting, no making everyone around me miserable because I can't have my way right now. I know when I come out of this on the other side I will be that much closer to being a grown up. It's really the journey, not the destination that matters.
Some people say "I can do what I want, I'm grown." I doubt most of those people have any idea what it means to be "grown." Which is why they repeatedly make the same stupid mistakes and find they're lives frustrating and unfulfilled.
Yes, I am of legal age to do whatever I want no -matter how unhealthy, counterproductive, self destructive, selfish, or downright stupid, but itsn't that a pretty foolish way to live? And how can I consider myself a grownup if my judgement isn't any better than when I was a child? I may no longer pout and cry because my mother won't buy me a toy in the mall, but don't I handle life's disappointments with a similar attitude? It may not be over anything as trivial as a toy, but I certainly complain, blow things out of proportion, and waste considerable time feeling sorry for myself and blaming others for my lack of happiness when I don't get what I want or think I deserve.
I am getting better. I have accepted that I am not above correction. I've decided to go past just accepting that I am human and flawed and move to the place where I begin to improve myself. Wouldn't it be sad to turn another year older and still have all the same flaws, vices and shortcomings?

"The end of a matter is better than its beginning, and patience is better than pride. "
-ECC 7:8

That is all.

The Perfect Man

How can a woman not love the Lord?

* He loved me even before I knew him
* He is a gentleman
* He cares about what is important to me
* He makes me want to be the best I can be
* He supports and encourages me
* He is a provider and protector
* He is rich and powerful and there is nothing He wouldn't do for me
* He perfects all things concerning me
* He anticipates my wants and needs
* Every day He tells me and shows me how much He loves me
* I don't have to perform in order to earn His love
* He keeps all of his promises
* He never tells a lie
* No one can influence His opinion of me
* He is the ultimate intimate partner
* He can't abandone me because I am a part of Him
* He prepares a table before ME (Selah)
* He covers me and doesn't expose me
* He wrote his loving words down so that I'll never forget how He feels about me!

NOW THAT'S LOVE!!!

I wake up every day and thank God for being the best "man" in my life!

Kittens

I finally broke down this weekend. I've loved cats since I was a little girl. I like dogs too, but cats are my preference. My own cat, Cuddles, died this past spring at the ripe old age of 20, which is pretty remarkable for a cat. Anyway, after allowing an appropriate mourning period, I decided it was time to open up my heart again. So Friday I brought home Carter, Reagan and Clinton. Yes, I know it probably seems unusual to name kittens after presidents, but a hundred years ago I was in school studying to be a history teacher. I used to have a passion for political science. One of my cousins is an attorney and she named her dog Justice. Get it? Last night I had to put them in the bathroom because they wouldn't go to sleep and I was exhausted. Usually, once I lay down and turn the lights out they chill, but last night they were manic. Still, so cute!!!

One Day...

The Jaguar. Yes, one day I will own one. So pretty. So very pretty.
Here kitty kitty...

Strength

A strong woman works out every day to keep her body in shape ... a woman of strength kneels in prayer to keep her soul in shape
A strong woman isn't afraid of anything ... a woman of strength shows courage in the midst of her fear
A strong woman won't let anyone get the best of her ... a woman of strength gives the best of her to everyone
A strong woman makes mistakes and avoids the same in the future... a woman of strength realizes life's mistakes can also be God's blessings and capitalizes on them
A strong woman walks sure footedly... a woman of strength knows God will catch her when she falls
A strong woman wears the look of confidence on her face... a woman of strength wears grace
A strong woman has faith that she is strong enough for the journey... a woman of strength has faith that it is in the journey that she will become strong

Marta S. Hardy

Shorty

Um, stuff.

I am no longer a blonde. I got rid of my golden tresses and I am now rocking a short brunette bob. It looks very cute, if I may say so myself. I will post a picture as soon as I have a decent one.

There was a bunch of stuff I thought about this weekend that would have made a great post, unfortunately I have forgotten all of it. Blast my defective memory! It was good stuff, I swear.

So, my son's father is M.I.A. yet again. Blast! Again I say, Blast! Why do I fall for it everytime?
I guess when your heart wants something so bad, your mind eventually gives in. No matter how foolish.
There will always be a part of me that believes in him. There will always be a part that thinks the best of him.

It's weird. I'm content being single until I am reminded how good it feels to have a companion. You know? As long as it was just me, chillin' doing my thing I was okay. But as soon as I started to feel that fuzzy feeling that comes when romance is in the mix, things got all weird. 5 months ago I was cool! Now I've had a date, a little smoochy smoochy and I'm acting like a chick. How dumb am I?

Of course I want to fall in love and get married -one day. I just wasn't pressed, I was enjoying life for what it was. You know how some people walk around in a perpetual state of searching? People who can't bare the thought of not being attached for more than a week. People who have to constantly have a love interest or romance on some level or they think the world is coming to an end. I HATE being like that. I used to be like that. I had to have 2 or 3 guys I was talking to/dating, 1 or 2 on standby. I counted the days that passed. Oh my goodness, I haven't been kissed in 2 days. I haven't been on a date in 2 weeks. I haven't had sex in 2 months!!! If I wasn't receiving some kind of romantic attention from a man you'd think my cat just died or something.

Thankfully, I have recovered from that pitiful mindset. Atleast I thought I had. Until recently. I'm starting to feel myself acting pitiful. I'm getting on my own nerves.

Oh yeah, and I want a cigarette.

That is all.

Black Women, White Men

This is the conversation I had with my sister via e-mail this morning.

Me: True story. So this morning I’m in Dunkin Donuts getting my usual caramel iced latte. This upper class, country club, Eddy Bauer looking White man comes up next to me and orders “16 oz Black, 4 sugars.” So I look at him, smile and say, “Well, I’m a little more than 16oz, but I’m Black, hot, sweet and ready to go!”

Her: You are my idol :-) I need your confidence. So what did he say?

Me: I think it is so awesome that you believed me. It was just a joke. I thought about saying it and kind of chuckled to myself, but that was all. Every morning on my way to work I drive past a golf course. I see wealthy White men lounging in front of the clubhouse and I think, how many Black women will ever see the inside of that building who aren't cleaning it or serving food? How many white men of affluence marry Black women? Working on the main line I see a lot of wealthy people and I just think about stuff, you know? Why do I see so few Blacks around here? Why aren't we making it to the main line?

Her: Good question. We've made some progress but there's still a long way to go. We definitely need some representation out there. I was thinking the other night. Why are there so many black men with white women and so few white men with black women? Even the inner city guys that you could depend on to stick with us have switched teams. It's very depressing. What's wrong with us? Are we too much of a challenge for them?

Me: I find the answer to that question every time I open a fashion or magazine or turn on the TV. We are bombarded with images of beautiful white women. The only way we as Black women are able to be perceived as beautiful is to look as European as possible i.e. Halle Berry, Mariah Carey, Beyonce, and don't even get me started on Lil' Kim. Our society, our culture has never learned how to appreciate the things that make Black women beautiful and feminine. Men (of any race) want women who are soft, delicate, who make them feel strong. There has been such a campaign over the last 20 years or so promoting this idea that Black women are so strong and independent that we don't need a man. This concept of the strong Black woman, while good in theory, is really counterproductive for those of us who want a man. Then you have to consider, White women out number Black women like 6 to 1; and they are everywhere -lower, middle and upper class, city, suburbs. By far, most Black women come from lower class, inner city neighborhoods. You and I went to school in a middle class suburb, but we were like 2% of the population at most. None of those White boys were checking for us.

Unfair though it may be, the social order is
White men
White women
Black men
Black women

It’s a lot easier to for Black men and White women to find a bond. Black men have racism, but they’re still men, White women have sexism, but they’re still white. As Black women we’re 0 for 2, no matter how much money or education we have. The perception is that Black women are less.

We didn't reach any conclusions or epiphanies this morning. This isn't a knock against anyone or accusations, these are just honest observations shared between to two sisters.

Stuff...

I wanna give shout out to all my Jews out there. I'm Christian, but my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ was a Jew, so much love! The owner of my company, his secretary and our controller are all Jewish, so they are off because today is a holy day. Rosh Hashanah. See Leviticus 23:24-25.

On an unrelated note, Tony and Tamika have gotten some of their issues resolved, I would like to think my wise advise had something to do with that. But... if the whole thing goes terribly wrong I reserve the right to disavow any knowledge of the situation. Hehehe.

Tonight is family night at my church. It is bible study for the entire family where we explore topics relevant to Christians today. We break up into groups by age and gender to discuss the message, and how it effects us based on where we are in our lives. I must say, I enjoy those nights. I suppose I am fortunate that I found a church I actually enjoy attending. I know I have grown in many positive ways in the last year, and I know with the Lord's guidance, I will continue to get better.

One of the things that keep me coming back is the Women's Fellowship. Most of my life I have not been able to have healthy, fulfilling relationships with other women. There always seems to be too much jealously and gossip. I found I felt much more comfortable and accepted by guys, so most of my friends are male. Since I've been attending my church I've had a chance to get to know real, sincere women and find out how much I have in common with them. It has been a positive revelation to find that the secret struggles I thought made me different and unlovable are shared by many. When we meet we speak openly and freely without fear of judgement or chastisment. It is such a blessing. God is good.