This One Time At Band Camp...

Years ago when I used to ride the train into Philadelphia everyday I noticed dead cat next to the tracks as you come out of the tunnel at 30th St Station.
I made sure to always sit on that side of the train so I could see the body.
I remember watching it decay slowly, over a few months time.
It was important to make sure I watched the process.
It's gone now.

I Wonder...

I wonder how it feels to sleep in a park, under a bridge or on a bus stop bench.
I wonder how it feels the first time you sell your body.
I wonder how it feels to abandon dignity and wholly embrace the things you most fear and loathe.

Weird, huh?

I think I am a bit unusual.
I do like myself.
I am my favorite person.
Sometimes I wish I could clone myself and then I could literally be my own best friend.
I think we -me1 and me2- would have alot of laughs.
I'm a wild girl, you know.
If I could clone a male version of myself could I then marry myself?
Would that be incest do you think?

No, I am not crazy...

Sometimes when I am alone I pretend I am a guest on one of those daytime talk shows like Ricki Lake or Maury Povich.

I don't care much for Jerry Springer anymore. That stuff has to be staged.

Anyway, I pretend my boyfriend or husband brought me on and accused me of cheating.

I play the dialogue in my head. What I would say, what he would say, what the audience would say.

Sometimes I used a Southern or Spanish accent.

I'm not sure why.

That is all.

Deep Thoughts...

Does thinking make me a thinker?
Would drinking make me a drinker?
Smoking made me a smoker,
When winking am I winker?

Poor Use of Time

I have no business spending valuable work time posting to this blog. I have been very busy so far this week and taking lunch is a luxury I can't afford. I still have work from yesterday to finish, don't even get me started on today!! I have e-mails to return and billing, I have records to update, I have a report to give my boss from this morning, opinions to review...
I'm stuffing rice in my mouth as I type this, left over dinner from Sunday night. I wandered around Walmart last night with my son for about an hour and a half. My plan was to just be out of the house and soak up some air conditioning at someone elses expense. We didn't end up buying anything except a couple 50 cent juices from the vending machine out front. At one point I had a cart full, about $100 worth of stuff. Some stuff for my son's up coming birthday, other stuff I have been saying I wanted to get for a while, the rest was just random impulse stuff I found on sale. I picked up Harlem Nights and Trading Places DVD's for only $5.50 a piece out of one of those dump bins. Good deal, right? He and I had a pretty good time cutting up and playing around until we get up to the self check out register -- let me interject some commentary real quick.
*If you are technologically challenged, over 60, illiterate, deaf, blind or have more than 15 items DO NOT USE THE SELF CHECK OUT LINE AT THE MARKET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*It defeats the entire purpose of an EXPRESS LANE if it takes you more that 5 MINUTES TO CHECK OUT 5 ITEMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now, to continue my story. I'm looking at all this stuff in my cart and considering my financial situation and decided that it would be stupid and irresponsible to drop $100 on this stuff when I had other more pressing bills that should be handled first. This all happened while I was waiting for 20 MINUTES IN THE EXPRESS LANE. I swear people are really stupid. Though in this one situation the extra time gave me an opportunity to ponder my purchase. But people are still stupid, and Walmart is their sanctuary. Out of disgust I just walked out. Left my full cart sitting there and everything.


TO: R.P. Holly is a dirty whore!!

Thinking...

So I am thinking about maybe taking my life in a new direction.
When I left Temple almost 2 years ago I did so with my tail between my legs. I got stressed out about my personal life and family problems; overwhelmed from trying to balance classes, a part time job I hated, and a child I never had energy for... I just gave up.
Very few people know this, but I failed every class that last semester. I just stopped going. I went the coward way because I just couldn't handle what my life had become. It was then that I started smoking heavy again, Ronald and I broke up. As I watched everything I had worked so hard for go up in flames I accepted the defeat like a broken victim and ran. Sure, the circumstances I was dealing with were bad, but my handling of it was worse.
So there I was 25, single mother, still living in my parents with no real plan. So I said, I'll take my little bit of education, get a real job and start my life. I decided I had been hiding out in school because I was scared to grow up. So, here I am. I have a "real" job making a decent living, paid holidays, 2 weeks paid vacation, 401k plan, reasonable health plan. I have my own apartment and my own car, cell phone, triple A card. I should feel like I'm on the right track, right? So why do I still feel so incomplete?

Why God?

I find it interesting that so many people ignore God 99% of their lives, yet as soon as something goes wrong all of a sudden they want to blame Him. We want God to mind his own business and leave us to our own devises, then have to nerve to ask why he has forsaken us. They ask "Why God?"

When God designed human beings he put a place in each heart specifically designed for himself. We spend our lives trying to find something to fill it. We use sex, work, education, philosophy, family, social activities, alcohol, drugs... Yet at the end of it all we still find ourselves depressed and unfulfilled. No, God doesn't want us to be depressed. He wants to be acknowledged, he wants us to know that He loves us. He wants us to love him back. That's why there will always be a void within us until we put God where he belongs.

We run from Him and chase after the pleasures of the world, yet want our lives to be blessed. Please, don't blame God or say that He is not real simply because you have chosen to ignore Him.

Why is it so many people can't make it through a weekend sober? Why is it so many people need to smoke weed daily just to "cope" with life? Why do we hop from bed to bed and relationship to relationship, never feeling fulfilled? Why are antidepressant sales so high? Why do so many fear death? Because we are trying to fill a void with things that don't and weren't meant to fit. A square peg in a round hole.

Marriages fail because people don't know what it means to love unconditionally. Marriages fail because people expect their spouse to fulfill needs that only God can truly satisfy.

People love philosophy, it makes us feel intellectual. We like to pat ourselves on the back and congratulate ourselves on how clever we are. But intellectuallism won't comfort you in those moments of hopelessness that we all experience. When you are in your quiet place, feeling isolated and scared. Only God truly cares about us. Only God can give real comfort, only God gives us hope.

Don't believe me? Try him. I did, and my life has gotten better everyday since.

I warn you, walking with God doesn't make your life roses, there will still be difficult times, but you will have peace that even you won't understand. Your life will have purpose that you won't find in any other calling but the one that He gives. Who knows you better than your creator?

I am a living witness to what can happen when you stop fighting God and accept that

HE KNOWS WHAT HE'S DOING!!!

He didn't get to be God by accident.

Coming home...

I am at work, so I suppose I should be doing work, but this is important too. This is something I do for me. When I was a teenager I imagined my life at 26 and so far I have to say I am pretty disappointed. You know what I did last night? I'm ashamed to admit it. After I put my son to bed I sat at my computer playing free cell (I don't have internet so I don't get any cool games)and eating nachos. Monday night? Same thing. I don't want to wine about the single mother thing, because I love my son and know in many ways he was the best thing that could have happened to me. However, there are moments when it SUCKS ASS! I'm under 30 and not married so this should be the prime of my social life. Coworkers make plans to get together after work, they don't even ask me to go anymore. There are times the unconditional love from my son is all I need to get by, but there will always be a part of me that feels cheated. It's so hard. I don't ever want my son to feel like I didn't want him, but when I found out I was pregnant all I wanted was to NOT be pregnant. But he is so awesome. Funny, sweet and so smart. Definitely smarter than me. It makes me tear up just thinking about his little face. But at night when he is sleeping and it's just me in my little apartment, I imagine what life would be if...
Then again, I remember where I was mentally and emotionally at the time I got pregnant. If I had been left to my own devises with all that freedom and no responsibility, wooo! Who knows what havoc I might have wrought!! Hehehe. I had a wild streak that was probably a little self destructive. At the time I was attending Freedom Theater in Philadelphia, a historical Black theater school. When I informed my classmates that I was expecting, one of them remarked, "Well this oughta cool your hot ass down."
Yeah, truer words were never spoken. Not that I became an angel, but I had an anchor that kept me from going to deep into that world of pleasure and excess. I had a reason to come home.