Forgive This!

To not forgive someone is like drinking poison and expecting THEM to die!

Forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself. It is not something you do FOR someone else. It is based on the blessed possibility that your hurt will not be the final word on the matter. It challenges you to give up your self-destructive thoughts about the situation and to believe in the possibility of a better future. It builds confidence that you can survive the pain and grow from it.

Refusing to forgive by holding on to the anger, resentment and a sense of betrayal can make your own life miserable. A vindictive mind-set creates bitterness that spreads through your soul like a cancer.

Withholding forgiveness is to choose to continue to remain the victim. Remember, you always have choice. The person you have never forgiven owns you! Long after they have forgotten what they did -forgotten about YOU- ou are still thinking about them, remembering them, carrying around that baggage, weighing down your life.

Healthy love relationships are not possible without forgiveness! You cannot have a loving and rewarding relationship with anyone else, much less yourself, if you continue to hold on to things that happened in the past.

Regardless of the situation, making peace with past love partners, your parents, children, your boss or anyone who you think may have "done you wrong" is the only way to improve your chances of a "healthy" relationship with yourself or anyone else for that matter! It is not possible to truly be present and available to a new relationship until you let go of the hurt and upsets of the past.

"What?" you say! "Cut them some slack after what THEY did to me? Never!" But non-forgiveness keeps you in the struggle. Being willing to forgive can bring a sense of peace and well-being. It lifts anxiety and delivers you from depression. It can enhance your self-esteem and give you hope.

Forgive and forget is a myth. You may never completely forget, but you can choose to forgive. As life goes on, if you remember a personal injustice you once suffered, then is the time to remember that you have already forgiven. Mentally forgive again if necessary, then move forward. When we allow it, time can dull the vividness of the memory of the hurt; the memory will fade.

That is all.

Vices

I think I spelled that right. Vices. Those little addictions we have that help us cope with our stressful lives. I thought of this because it is about the 1 year anniversary of the day I quit smoking. I forgot the exact date, but I remember is it was towards the middle of January 2005. I suppose I should be happy, but it's a small victory. I had one of my worst cravings just this past weekend. Goddamn tobacco companies!!! That's a might powerful addiction. It's like being a recovery alcoholic or someone who was addicted to an illegal street drug. I will always struggle with this. I have overcome the physical, chemical dependency, but it's the behavior that stays with me. It became so much a part of my identity that I had to relearn how to act. That is why they tell teenagers not to start. Don't ever start, EVER! I wish I could go back in time to the first 4 or 5 times I tried cigarettes (it took a few tries before it stuck) and slap the hell out of myself a few hundred times. 15 year old idiot. My father had been a smoke for years, and quit when I was about 10 years. He quit because everytime he would I light one I would complain and cry and basically ruin any chance of him actually enjoying the cigarette. Ironic, I know.

I know there are some people who are able to smoke socially, or only a few times a week. But for the majority of smokers I know, it's a daily habit. An expensive, unhealthy, stinky addiction. For me, I did most of my smoking in the car or in the evenings to wind down after work. I was at about a pack a day. Crazy.

After a 4 year self imposed prohibition I recently decided to let myself start drinking a little alcohol, only to find that I have pretty much lost a taste for it. I went for my standard Heinekin, but it tasted nasty. I had to sip it slow and try to convince myself that I was enjoying it. I had a few glasses of wine and champagne during the holidays, but it didn't feel right. I have virtually no tolerance anymore and I don't like getting drunk, so I didn't drink more that half a glass. The truth is, I prefer a lemon flavored Lipton Iced Tea to a beer any day. Hm.

I had a point when I first started this post but it escapes me now.... Oh yeah. I want a cigarette. Damn it.

That is all.

Deja Vu

Behind my eyes, a pair of eyes sees things I've never seen.

Beneath my skin another skin, feeling things I've never felt.

Inside my soul, hiding in the shadows of my mind, remain the ghosts of a life I've never lived.

I remember dreams I did not dream.

I miss people I've never met.

I hum to myself the melody to a song I've never heard.

Whispers echo in my ears, but I cannot hear them.

In the silence there is laughter.

In the rain, their are tears forever falling.

Kisses linger, barely touching my flesh, from lovers I've never known.

From deep within, a voice calls to me.

Calls me by a name that is not my own.

A stranger's voice, yet it is somehow familiar to me.

That is all.

Choices

So, I have this friend, Anna who has a daughter by a man named Thomas who she is still very much in love with. They met in high school, and she got pregnant after only dating him for a few months. Although the relationship was very intense, they were both very immature and not at all ready for the responsibilities and consequences of love and sex. She did some terrible things to him (though she will never admit it) and he did some terrible things to her.

They broke up when their daughter, Susie, was about 2. He eventually married another woman, Ellen, and they had a son together. After 4 rocky years together Thomas filed for divorce. They are currently in the middle of a vicious legal battle over assets and custody of their daughter. Ellen his determined to make Thomas suffer and won't give or compromise on anything.

Anna never stopped loving Thomas and has wished over the years that she and Thomas had been able to make things work. She cried for a week when she he married Ellen. Over the years, no matter who she dated or how hard she tried to move on, Thomas has always been the man who could make her heart jump. Thomas recently confessed that he feels the same. He has told Anna that he finally realizes she is the woman he should have been with all along.

Here's the problem. During most of the years Anna and Thomas were apart he was a complete jerk to Anna and their daughter. Especially when he first married Ellen. It has only been over the last year or so that Thomas has begun acting like a decent human being.

The only reason Anna was able to get through those painful years was because of her family's support. When Thomas disappeared for weeks at a time, or didn't send support money for Susie, Anna's family picked up the slack. Anna's father has been Susie's father as well as her grandfather. She knows her family would not accept Thomas if she attempt to reunite with him, and she doesn't blame them for being mistrustful. Even when Anna and Thomas were together she only ever told them about the bad stuff Thomas did or when they were arguing.

Anna has come to me now for advice, as my friends tend to do. For now, she and Thomas share secret phone calls, and meet when no one knows. She says it's romantic at times, but hard to deal with. Ever since Thomas told her he was leaving Ellen, Anna has not been able to even consider being with another man. But she says she will not sleep with Thomas until the divorce is final and the two of them are officially back together.

On ther other hand, she feels she has been patient for so long. She doesn't know how much more she can take. She wants to know if she should trust Thomas again, or ignore the desperate beating of her heart and walk away? She says each beat of her heart says his name. She says she gets butterflies when she sees him. She feels dizzy when he holds her and treasures each moment, each kiss they steal.

What a DORK!!!

I told her to pull herself together and stop acting like a love sick teenager. Women can be pretty dumb sometimes. Thomas is a selfish jerk and she needs to move on with her life!!!

That is all.

Love Knows No Color

Josh. Yeah, I liked him. He liked me too. We argued a lot, laughed a lot. We had good times together, challenged each other. We were good together he and I, and good for each other I think. 10th grade.

Stupid Springfield. Stupid racial politics. There were a few interracial couples during my years there, but it was always a white girl and black guy. Josh and I were different though. He was white, I was black. That was unheard of. A big no no.

He and I were cool though. People looked at us funny sometimes because of the way we carried on together. "Is it possible HE likes HER?" was the question implied but never directly asked. "You like him, don't you?" "Do you think he likes you?" they would ask with their mocking smiles.

This one time we walked home from school together. We were nervous. We stopped at his house first. We started off playing Nintendo in his room. Sitting on his bed. Then we had that moment. That awkward teenage moment when you want to kiss, but just aren't sure... The weight of what we were pondering was enormous. I don't remember what was said, put I remember that feeling. Nervous but excited. So sweet. So electric.

His brother came busting in and broke the spell. Stupid reality. Stupid Springfield. A few months later he went the Snow Dance with one of my best friends. Someone more "acceptable" in appearance. They gave me a picture. After that he and I weren't as close.

His family moved to New Jersey after at the end of that school year. He and I lost touch. Last I heard he was married, divorced and remarried. I wish him well, no hard feelings. Josh. Face.

Yeah, love knows no color... but prejudice sure does.

That is all.