Almost Over...

2005 has been a really great year for me. Not because everything went great, but because I have grown so much!!! I learned so much about myself this year. I have developed a closer walk with the Lord. I am so far from being the person I should be. I have a lot to learn about patience, courage, pride, wisdom and love, but I am closer. I can say without a doupt that I am a better person today than I was 1 year ago.

I had my share of disappointments, nights I cried until my eyes were swollen! But through it all God has stayed by my side and carried me through each pain. Now, instead of complaining to friends, relatives, coworkers and anyone else who will listen, I take my troubles right to the Lord and he gives me peace.

I have been telling everyone, and now I'm going to tell you, 2006 is going to be an excellent year. I'm not psychic or anything, but I have it on good authority that alot of prayers will be answered.

2006...

Fool

In scriptural perspective the fool is not a shallow-minded or illiterate ignoramus; he can be quite educated and sophisticated in social reckoning.

However, he is a fool because he has forsaken the source of true wisdom in God in order to rely on his own (allegedly), self-sufficient, intellectual powers.
He is unteachable (Prov. 10:8) and despises instruction (Prov. 15:5); whereas the wise man heeds council given to him, 'The way of a fool is right in his own eyes' (Prov. 12:15).

The fool has utter self-confidence and imagines himself to be intellectually autonomous. 'He that trusteth in his own heart is a fool' (Prov. 28:26). A fool cannot think of himself as mistaken (Prov. 17:10).

He judges matters according to his own pre-established standards of truth and right, and thus his own thoughts always turn out in the long run to be correct. The fool is sure that he can rely on his own rational authority and intellectual scrutiny. 'The fool beareth himself insolently and is confident' (Prov. 14:16), and therefore he utters his own mind (Prov. 29:11).

In actuality, this autonomous man is dull, stubborn, boorish, obstinate and stupid. He professes himself to be wise, but from the opening of his mouth it is clear that he is (in the biblical sense) 'a fool' - his only wisdom would consist in keeping silent (Prov. 17:28). 'The heart of fools proclaimeth foolishness' (Prov. 12:23), and the fool flaunts his folly (Prov. 13:16).

The fool does not want to find the truth; he only wants to be self-justified in his own imaginations. While he may feign objectivity, 'A fool hath no delight in understanding, but only that his heart may reveal itself' (Prov. 18:2).

He is committed to his own presuppositions and wishes to guard his autonomy. Thus he will not depart from evil (Prov. 13:19), and thus all his knowledgeable talk reveals nothing but perverse and lying lips (Prov. 10:18; 19:1).

He may talk proudly, but "A fool's mouth is his own destruction, and his lips are a snare to his soul' (Prov. 18:7).

Don't get mad at me. http://members.aol.com/BaxterInstitute/Fool.html

Monkeys

I was watching one of those animal planet shows one time and heard a story about a type of primate that has a tendency to store nuts and berries in those little knot holes you find in trees. When they go back to get their treat they reach in the opening and scoop up a handful. The funny thing was sometimes when they tried to pull their hand back out they got stuck. The flat open hand could fit, but the full fist was the wrong shape and size to slide back out.
The camera crews reported they had found monkeys that had their hands "trapped" in these trees for hours, even days. They were so set on holding on to those nuts and berries they were holding themselves hostage.

Kinda makes you think.

That is all.

Stop! Thief!!

I think I stole gas last night. I went the the station after work because I was on empty. I used what should have been the last $10 in my checking account. So today I'm looking at my online account -which I try to do a few times a week- and the purchase isn't on there!! Then I called my bank and they confirmed that no purchases have been presented to my account.
Now, I'm thinking, what happened? I put the card in once and it didn't go through, so I figured it was a computer error, or because I only had $10 in my account, but the second time it worked so I pumped $10 worth of gas. Was I at the full service pump and didn't realize it? Did I use the pump that you don't need to pay first?
I feel all funky for 2 reasons that contradict each other. I don't condone stealing so I feel like I should say something to the gas station. But on the other hand, if I'd known I was getting free gas I would have probably pumped a full tank. Perplexing.

That is all.

Look At Me!

Attention. Attention. Excuse me. I need your attention please. Thank you.

I didn't want anything. Just wanted some more attention.
Needed to be validated.
Needed you to tell me I'm pretty.
Needed you to say that I am smart.
Build me up. Pat my head. Kiss my ass.

'Cause I don't know who I am unless you tell me first...

'Cause I feel really good about myself...
...as long as you tell me I should...

Pride, Vanity, Self Respect, Dignity
They all mean the same thing, right?

That is all.

My Testimony

The abstinence thing is hard, but every victory over my flesh makes me that much stronger.

I was abstinent for almost 3 years, from 2000 to 2003. Until I met the man I thought I was going to marry. He was everything I thought I wanted. He claimed he wanted to wait too. So I let my guard down. I let myself get into situations where I could be tempted. My pastor once said, "The very thing you compromise God to gain you will always lose." I found that to be true. I couldn't bare the thought of not having that man, so I compromised what I knew was right. I ignored the spirit inside me and decided to please my flesh. So of course, in the end I lost him.
I'm wiser now and I know why I am doing this. The Bible says we are to present our bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable unto Him. This is our spiritual act of worship. We should not conform ourselves to the values of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of our minds. Romans 12. I have to remind myself that my body is a temple for God.
Then I think of all the things He has done for me and all the things He has saved me from and I just want to do right. I remember that He loves me more than any man ever could. When men have lied and hurt me, God never did. When men cheated and turned their backs on me, God was always there, faithful and true. He listens to all of my prayers and rocks me in his arms at the moments I feel most lost. Since I've been walking with the Lord my I have felt a contentment I never knew existed. He is truly a wonderful God.
The key to any type of discipline is knowing WHY you're really doing it. It's a decision you have to make before you find yourself tempted. When I meet guys, I'm slow to become a couple. "Boyfriend" is a dangerous word. Once a "relationship" starts, sex is pretty much expected. I make sure who ever I meet up with truly shares my values, and wants to wait just like me.
****I learned the hard way not to try to date man who doesn't have a relationship with Jesus Christ. They don't understand my convictions and always try tempt and test me.
I don't listen to most R&B and hip hop that comes on anymore. I don't watch music videos. The themes are so full of lust and sex it's ridiculous. How can I expect to have heart for God if I fill my ears, eyes and brain with everything that goes against Him?
I am mindful that what I wear can communicate things to a man that I may not mean to say. The lust of the eyes is a dangerous thing. I don't have conversations where sex is the primary topic. I don't reminisce about sexual experiences, favorite positions, first times or any of that other talk that starts the imagination going. I know my boundaries. I am honest with myself. I don't wait until we're all hot and heavy. I decide in advance what what my comfort zone is. I know when I will start to lose control, so I don't let it get that far. God will always supply an out, he will give us strength not to sin, if we really want it. The problem is most people look for an excuse to fall.

Remember: Every action begins with a thought. Until you learn to control your mind, your body and emotions will rule you.

I know this seems like a lot and honestly it is. It's not easy. But I know in my heart it is right, and when I pray and speak to God I have peace because I know he is pleased with me and will bless me with true love when the time is right. And in the mean time I can guard my heart and know that I am not wasting that precious part of myself with someone who isn't worth it.

"This I say then, walk in the Spirit, and you will not fulfill the lust of the flesh. For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit desires what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other so that you cannot do the things that you want." Galatians 5:16-17

God Bless!