Yet Another Reason Why I Suck...

So what do you do when the relationship appears to be over, but neither person is ready to let go? We've agreed to the terms, returned each other's stuff, signed treaties, shook hands, kissed and said goodbye.
On the inside though, something still feels so unsettled. Then you have to do the "what if" dance. Dancing with indecision is the most frustrating of all dances. More obnoxious and pointless than the Macarena, but some how unavoidable.

So, here I am, decision made... mostly.
Mind made up? Sort of.
My heart at peace? Eh, not really.
Ready to move on? Not at all.
Looking forward to being single? HA!

I really suck at relationships. Yet now that I've reached what would appear to be the end of one, I feel compelled to make a last ditch effort. You know like the doctors in those melodramatic television series that are so popular these days. The victim's heart has stopped beating, he's not breathing, there's that long Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep coming from the monitor, yet they're still giving CPR to that poor lifeless body. Beating on the chest shouting something like "Don't you die on me damnit!"

Sometimes, though, those people really aren't dead. They have a near death experience but live to tell the tale. The would-be victim lives and goes on to star in the series for 6 more seasons. Damn.

That is all.

Damn...

I have a friend “Laura” who is going through a difficult break up right now. Last night we were on the phone until after midnight. She was babbling and crying like a love sick teenager. I won’t get into the details of this or that. From what I can tell, the relationship is ending for good reasons. She believes being with him is not good for her. The problem now is that it still hurts. She is borderline pitiful. She keeps listening this one song that reminds her of him, over and over and over… “Who would have known, I’d find you...”

I’ve heard breaking up with someone is like a form of dying. You have to give yourself time to mourn the loss. So, I am trying to be patient with her. She was SO SURE he would be the one. This was it for her. She told me about the last time she held him in her arms, the first time they made love, their last kiss, their first date. She kept going over their last meeting, their last conversation. Everything he said. Everything she said. His reactions to what she said. How what he said made her feel. What she wished she had said…

She wanted to call him, again, last night. I had to yell at her at that point. Let it go, nut. Stop torturing yourself. She said it’s killing her because she still loves him. She wanted to hate him. She wanted to walk away feeling completely sure that he was a terrible person and she was 100% right and better off without him. The problem is, she’s not sure. She is sure she can’t figure out how to make it work, but there is still that hint of doubt that maybe she should have tried a little harder.

I think she made the right decision. There is always to be a measure of regret at the end of relationship. Especially if you really loved the person. Letting go is never easy. But it’s necessary to grow. At least she’s finding out now, before she invested 3 or 4 years of her life. They are not married, no children. They can make a clean break. They should both be able to bounce back relatively quickly. That’s how I see it.

As for Laura, I think she’s still somewhere crying her eyes out, listening to that damn song.

That is all.

God Said No...

I asked God to take away my habit.
God said, No.
It is not for me to take away, but for you to give it up.

I asked God to grant me patience.
God said, No.
Patience is a byproduct of tribulations; it isn't granted, it is learned.

I asked God to give me happiness.
God said, No.
I give you blessings; Happiness is up to you.

I asked God to spare me pain.
God said, No.
Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares and brings you closer to me.

I asked God to make my spirit grow.
God said, No.
You must grow on your own! , but I will prune you to make you fruitful.

I asked God for all things that I might enjoy life.
God said, No.
I will give you life, so that you may enjoy all things.

I asked God to help me LOVE others, as much as He loves me.
God said...Ahhhh, finally you have the idea.

More Painful Life Lessons...

"...And they will become as one flesh." Genesis 2:24

Lesson II
There are some pieces of yourself that, once given, you can never get back.

Lesson III
You can't make a square peg fit into a round hole.
You can't blame the peg for being square any more than you can blame the hole for being round.
It just is what it is.

So...

Cry the tears that need to be cried, and then...
LEARN THE LESSON!!!!!

Don't let your pain be in vain.
That's how you keep from becoming bitter.
That's how you escape that poison called regret.
That's how you find forgiveness.
That's where you'll find closure.
That's how you make peace.

That is all.

Painful Life Lesson I

If you love something, let it go.
If it comes back to you, it's yours forever.
If it doesn't, then it was never truly yours.

That is all.

Q & A

There are some questions that have no answers.
They are simply lessons we must learn in order to grow.

That is all.

Single Mother's Day

I don't have any words of inspiration to single mothers. I don't consider it a badge of honor. It's hard and thankless and hurts like hell. But, that's life. That's just the way it is. You do the best you can with what you are given.

I love my son. He is the most beautiful thing in my life. The one thing I got right, through no doing of my own. God's precious gift to me. Doing this alone was nothing I would have ever wanted, but it happened just the same.

I got pregnant at 18, by a boy that I later realized I really didn't even know. At the time I thought I knew him. Thought I loved him, thought he loved me too. I suppose I did love him at the time - to the extent my young heart understood love. We were just two dumb kids playing with love and sex. It never occurred to me that what we were doing would forever change me. I didn't realize I was making life decisions. I was just having fun. Being young.

Time goes by so quickly. Like a flash of light 10 years pass. My son. He's so funny and smart. He makes me laugh in spite of myself. He reminds me of all the thing I used to love most about myself, before life and experience took the last of my innocence. In him I see all the potential I once saw in his daddy. He's loving and compassionate. He's good kid, you know? He's a good boy. He comes and hugs me just to hug me. He brings me flowers and tells me he loves me.

To be loved. To be truly loved, unconditionally. I am SO BLESSED. He looks at me with such compassion and affection. He trusts me and needs me. I am strong because he needs me to be strong, so I find a reason to keep going. He makes me want to be better. He's watching me. How I carry myself, how I handle my responsibilities. How I allow myself to be treated by men. From me he will learn how to love and accept love. The message he receives from me will color how he sees the world. I have the responsibility of molding and shaping him. That's an awesome and often overwhelming task.

There are days I stress from the moment I wake up, until late at night when the anxiety keeps me from resting. There are times I cry and cry until I forget even why I started crying, I just know my soul gets deep with sorrow, and all I can do is moan and cry until exhaustion takes over and at last I sleep.

So, yeah. I'm a single mother, a baby's mama and all that.
I'd like to find the fool that coined that phrase and beat the hell out of him.

That is all.

Puddle of me

Liquid flesh
Ice thaws
Candles melt
A puddle on the floor

I am not real
I cannot feel
The flames that devour my flesh

There is no scream burning to escape my throat...

Only the longing burning in my spirit.

As I am melting away into nothing...

A puddle on the on the floor.

That is...