Constant Craving...

...so I denied thoughts of him.
I suppressed the desire to speak his name
I ran from his presence.

At some point anything dies
If you starve it, right?

The need intensified
The longing only deepened

Like an open wound.

Though it was buried
It solidified, rather than decomposed.

The passion grew and grew.

It won't go away.

A great affection.
A constant craving.



That is all.

Nacho Libre...

I want to see Nacho Libre. Yesterday, I was thinking about when I would go, and then I thought it would be fun to see it with some friends. It was then that I realized that I don't have any friends to hang out with anymore. I became sad. Well, not really sad like depressed or anything. More thoughtful -reflective even.
I started thinking about my friends over the years. Friendships in middle school and high school were pretty superficial. Most of those girls I never see or talk. It wasn't until I got to college that I began making, what I really consider to be friends.

It started out with Bob and me and that was cool. Then his friend Tony joined in.
I was also hanging out with my girls Nikki and Tammy.
Brian, Sean and James were around and they added to the fun.
Amanda, Bob’s girl, added an interesting dynamic –I won’t go into that.
Tamika, Tony’s girl, was a Jersey girl, but she hung with us from time to time.
Even my sister played a part.
In the beginning, my sister, Tammy and I were the only ones who had kids (we each had one). Most of us were in college, commuting, and living with our parents to save money. We had some great times, stupid times, crazy times, lots of hook ups and break downs, you know the drill.

Then slowly, everyone started moving on.
James was always at Drexel, plus he had a girlfriend who wasn't part of our set.
Bob and Amanda broke up, so she faded away.
Tony and Tamika moved to Penn State's main campus.
Brian got a place in the city, then went missing; still don’t know what happened to him.
Nikki got wifed up and had a baby.
Tammy joined the Navy. She and I are still close. Well, as close as you can be with someone who lives 5 time zones away.
My sister got married and had another baby, so her focus and priorities all changed of course.
Bob joined Tony and Tamika up at U Park. He and I were on the outs for a while, but we got it back and still maintain contact via phone and e-mail.
Finally, Sean followed Bob up to U Park and that was that.

I transferred to Temple and met Donald who was attending Cheyney. He had a son near my son's age. We fell in love and all that, so for a while it was me, Donald, Nikki and her man Jeff. Good times.
Then Donald and I broke up (tear), and Nikki and Jeff’s relationship started going crazy.
I stayed tight with Nikki, and then her cousin Samantha and I became close. The 3 of us had some ridiculous adventures, cutting up all over the tri-state area in my Escort, acting like fools. I must have smoked about 1,000 cigarettes. Sadly, Nikki started a downward spiral, I won’t bother with those details, and Samantha went all Dykadelic on me, got her own wife and set out raising their "nontraditional" family. Weirdness.

Mostly these days it’s just me. I’m getting older; a boyfriend/husband will be nice someday soon, but that won't replace regular old friends. People who make you laugh and you can just hang with and be stupid with, no romantic pressure no pretense. I miss that. I figure even after I'm married there will come a point when he and I get sick of being up under each other and want some time apart. I would like to have a life outside of my marriage.

I still have my sisters, though they each operate at levels of dysfunction that swing from mild neurosis to extreme psychosis.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not lonely, and I still enjoy life, whatever it may bring. There are just times I wish I had a homey nearby I could call and say, "Hey, lets go see Nacho Libre."

That is all.

DO Something...

Yesterday did something different.
During my lunch break I went for a walk.

When I got home, instead of plopping myself in front of the TV
Or spending countless hours surfing the web, I went... outside.

I picked up a basketball and started playing.
Dribbling, running, shooting.
Before long I was sweating and laughing and feeling full of energy.
Full of life.
It felt... good.

What’s my point?

Life is meant to be lived.
Life is meant to be enjoyed.
Not watched on TV.
Not simulated on your computer.
Lived.

I think today I may ride my bike. Or rollerskate. Ha!

So go.
Live!

That is all.

Letter to myself...

Dear Self,

Everything that happens to us is God's way of preparing us for the next step. You are still young, use this time wisely to develop yourself and prepare a place for a family. When you meet the man worthy of your heart, don't you want to be able to give him your best? Don't you want to be able to give your children your best? The woman of house, the wife/mother should be a model of emotional stability and spiritual wisdom. Love your family enough now to make ready for them now. At my church there are many attractive, intelligent men and women who have chosen to remain single for the time being that very reason. Sure it can get lonely, but be thankful for this time and make the best of it, it's a blessing. When you understand that each season has a purpose it's easier to hold on.

Sometimes when it seems God is ignoring you, he is really telling you to wait. He wants to bless you but He knows some things you're just not ready for. He is trying to bring you closer to Him, teaching you to trust him, teaching you patience. Equipping you for the road ahead. One of the worst things we can do it try to run ahead of God. He has a plan and a design and we only make it harder for ourselves when we pursue our own desires instead of seeking His will. You can't ignore God, continue to pursue your own pleasure and indulge in sin pridefully, and still expect Him to just give you the things you want. He's not a genie in a bottle and He won't bless your mess.

When it seems those around you are enjoying the things you want, just know we all have equal measures of heartache and pain. All these things are for a season and God deals with each person individually. You may never know the secret thoughts, fears and pains of those around you, just as they don't know yours. Look at all of them, and ask yourself, how do I know they are any happier or fulfilled than I am?

That's why you must continue seek Him, and trust Him. He is not just some some distant entity on the outskirts of the universe. He is not indifferent or out of your reach. Some days the only thing that keeps me from falling apart and giving up is that I KNOW God is working on my behalf, and that no matter what, Jesus is always right here loving me and feeling every pain with me. I speak to Him everyday and I know He hears me. He is with me in all things at all times. Be encouraged.

Love you

There is no pain Jesus can't heal. No hurt he cannot feel...

That is all.

Back to Life...

Oh my. I’m feeling so silly today, like I’m bouncing off the walls. I feel much more like myself than I have in a while. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. I feel free.

My nature is to be silly, but for a while I just felt so stressed out and burdened down I didn’t recognize myself. But for the last week or so the world has seemed a brighter place. I’ve been dancing around my apartment, playing with my son and my cats, making jokes and just feeling good. I didn’t realize I had been depressed, but looking back, I see I was.

It’s amazing how you can lose yourself. How life and circumstances can cause you to lose perspective. It’s so important to keep your eyes on Jesus. Were it not for my relationship with my savior, who knows how far I might have let myself fall?

I’m not perfect, but I like myself. I like me. Such a simple thing, but so precious.

It feels so good. Thank you, God.

That is all.

Dormats & Crap: A Love Story

A doormat.
You know what a doormat is.
You wipe your feet on it.
Dirt, grass, mud, snow.
Whatever other crap attaches itself to the bottom of shoes.
You stomp it into the doormat.
It lets you.
It's just a doormat.
That's what it's there for.
That way you can have clean shoes to step on the indoor carpet.

I once heard a story about a doormat.
One day it decided enough is enough.
I want to be indoor carpet.
No more stomping crap into me.

It said, "No more of this"
When its owner tried to step on it
The doormat swept to the side in one quick motion
Knocking him off balance
Sending him crashing to the ground

The owner of the doormat was quite displeased.
The doormat thought "I've made my point clear.
Now I will be brought inside the house."

Can you guess what happened?

Sadly, that little doormat found itself in the garbage.

How foolish.

After all, what good is a doormat
That you can't stomp your crap into?

That is all.

...

No one falls in love by choice, it is by CHANCE.
No one stays in love by chance, it is by WORK.
No one falls out of love by chance, it is by CHOICE.

That is all.

And Now for Something Completely Different...

I am irritated.
I'm going to sleep.

That is all.

1 Broken Heart

Everything feels so stupid and pointless after a break up. It all seems to be in vain. All the "I love you" and "forever" talk. All the promises and sweet words. The conversations play over and over in my head, but instead of warm and comforting, the memories seem cruel and mocking.

What is the point in saying it if you don't mean it? Such big talk, and for what? Just to give up when it seems like too much work? I thought you only get one soul mate. It seems once you find that person you should stay with them. Anything worth having is worth working for, right?

Wrong.

Why speak at all? Words and emotions, again, prove to be meaningless.

No, I am not bitter. (yes I am)

I didn't want to break up, I just wanted to stop fighting.

Unfortunately...

That is all.