The Break Up...

What do you do when it all feels so futile?

I have nothing left to offer you.
You have nothing left to offer me.

Sure, thought of life without you is scary. It’s cold out there.
But fear should never be the motivation to stay in a dead relationship.

You’ve been good to me over these last few years, and I’ve tried to be good to you.
I’ve grown so much during our time together.
I’ve learned so much about myself, so much about life.

Something are not meant to last forever. Just a season.

Our season together has come to an end. To deny that, and prolong the inevitable could prove disastrous.

I have to find the life that is meant for me.

Please don’t be angry with me. We both know it’s time to let go.

I cherish everything that we’ve been to each other.

Let me go.

That is all.

Stupid, sappy, sentimental, idealized, romance dramas…

So, I watch Titanic yesterday. Geez. I avoided watching that damn movie for over a year when it first came out. I went to a predominantly white school, so most of my friends were white girls who were in love with Mr. Hottie McHotterson, Leonardo DiCaprio. They each saw the movie at least twice, and bought the soundtrack. When it came out of VHS (yes, I have a few years on me) they bought it and had watching parties.

I, on the other hand, wanted nothing to do with it. Like many Black people, I just didn’t get it. We already knew what was going to happen from the door. It was just another Hollywood movie made without a single Black character.

Moving on. One Saturday afternoon toward the end of the last millennium, I was at my mother’s house with a whole lot of nothing to do and found my mother in her living room watching this blasted movie. I looked at her, so disappointed that she was allowing herself to be sucked into the nonsense. I stood, watching from the kitchen shaking my head. My own mother. How could she… possibly… I mean the entire premise is so… hmmm.

So, I lost 3 hours of my life that day and ended up on my mother’s couch crying like a girl. “I’ll never let go Jack, I’ll never let go” UGH! I’m ashamed to admit it, but I really liked the movie. I liked it so much that I watched the damn thing every time it came on cable for the rest of the month. I liked it so much that I bought it –at a discount of course, never pay full price.

I had not watched it in a few years, but my cable is off right now. No, I don’t want to talk about it. I needed something to watch while putting away my laundry and straightening up my bedroom. I don’t have a DVD player upstairs, just my old VCR. Titanic was one of the few tapes I held onto when I joined the rest of the world in the 21st Century and bought a DVD player. So I popped the tape in and got sucked in -again. How many freaking times can you cry over the same scene? The stink of it is, movies like that have you actually believing that kind of passion is possible. It makes you want that feeling for yourself.

My brain knows that they were only teenagers and only knew each other 3 days. In real life, if Jack hadn’t turned into a cute little blue Popsicle in the North Atlantic, they probably would have broken up after a month when the newness wore off.

So, my love life has been pretty pointless over the last, say 4 years or so, and as I watched star-crossed lovers Jack and Rose battle to make a way for their ill-fated love, I found myself experiencing a strange melancholy. Stupid Titanic. Stupid Jack Dawson. Stupid, sappy, sentimental, idealized, romance dramas.

That is all.

Sink or Swim...

How long can you dog paddle before your body gets so tired that you have to go limp?
Or you get a cramp?
You don't want to go under, you don't want to drown, but at some point your body runs out of energy. Hopefully, you are able to float, so you turn onto your back and let the water hold you, to give your limbs a rest for a while. But how long can you float?

I've had nightmare before about drowning. It terrifies me. Being in the middle of the ocean, nothing to cling to, just the cold, uncaring water all around me. Waiting to consume me at the first show of weakness. Creeping and lapping around my face. That desperate feeling.

Help, please someone help me!

But no one is there.

Or perhaps there are others in the deep with me, struggling to stay above, just like I am. They may want to lend assistance, but there predicament is as perilous as mine. Any attempt to help me remain afloat jeopardizes their own battle.

Fighting, thrashing, wanting to cry out as water floods my mouth. My will to survive is finally overcome by the reality of the crushing blue. My body goes limp.

A terrible, long, lonely way to die.

That is all.

For Erik...

Pure, untouched…in the softness of my dream
Only he and I in the world that I deem
Living in my mind as I gently sleep
Loving in a way that only dreams can keep

But now I must join my lover of the day
As my secret place must quickly go away
Within the rising dawn we are truly one
A lifetime together has but just begun

But when comes the night I leave that life behind
To start the search for the other love of mine
Each night he is pure because he has no past
He offers tenderness that can never last

Both of my loves are equal within my heart
But only when one ends can the other start
Pure, untouched…in the softness of my dream
I’ve long since forgotten which one is the dream

Malachi

Disney...