I Know You Know Me...

I was talking tonight with one of my good friends from back home. It got me thinking about relationships. The ones with physical people and the ones we imagine in our attempts to connect. Which ones are more tangible? I feel that some of the most satisfying relationships I've ever had were long distance or imaginary. I often find myself having an experience and sharing it in my head with someone who understands exactly how I feel. Who grasps its importance both to me and on a cosmic level. The way a feeling fills me up, or an event changes my perspective...there is this perfect person who already understands what that is to me. Who laughs at my joys, celebrates my triumphs, and cries at my pain and frustration. Is the dream of that more palpable, more alive than the reality?

Posted by AudreyAmir

Interracial Dating...

Good Article, if you're interested.
http://www.keithleejohnson.com/reallyaboutrace.shtml

This is me, I swear! 

All I Really Want

I ain't lookin' to compete with you,
Beat or cheat or mistreat you,
Simplify you, classify you,
Deny, defy or crucify you.
All I really want to do
Is, baby, be friends with you.
No, and I ain't lookin' to fight with you,
Frighten you or uptighten you,
Drag you down or drain you down,
Chain you down or bring you down.
All I really want to do
Is, baby, be friends with you.
I ain't lookin' to block you up
Shock or knock or lock you up,
Analyze you, categorize you,
Finalize you or advertise you.
All I really want to do
Is, baby, be friends with you.
I don't want to straight-face you,
Race or chase you, track or trace you,
Or disgrace you or displace you,
Or define you or confine you.
All I really want to do
Is, baby, be friends with you.
I don't want to meet your kin,
Make you spin or do you in,
Or select you or dissect you,
Or inspect you or reject you.
All I really want to do
Is, baby, be friends with you.
I don't want to fake you out,
Take or shake or forsake you out,
I ain't lookin' for you to feel like me,
See like me or be like me.
All I really want to do
Is, baby, be friends with you.

Bob Dylan

Typoglycemia

The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid.

Aoccdrnig to a rseacerh dnoe at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? Yaeh, and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt.

Under Achievers...

It's difficult to know what to write. When I was in writing classes in college my instructors stressed the necessity of knowing your audience. I have no idea who will read this and at what point in time relative to me posting it. Friend, stranger, relative, lover. In a way I suppose I should write as if I am my own audience. I think that's what I have been doing anyway, though I probably wasn't aware of it.
I was thinking about envy, bitterness and pride. These are traits that I seem to have been carrying with me for some time now. Envious of others whom I felt had more than me. Bitter against my son's father for not being the man we needed him to be. And prideful to the point of arrogance to cover up for my insecurities. I've been walking around in state of self pity and depression for so long I had begun to consider them personality traits. That's sad. Why is it so difficult to accept that I am a good person with flaws just like everyone else? Why is it so difficult to accept that most people I encounter are struggling with the same issues? I don't know when I began to do this. Constantly holding up my life against others and comparing. Who is smarter, more successful, more attractive, who is funnier or more likeable. What is that?
I don't consider myself competitive in the gaming sense. I generally expect to lose, so I rarely wager anything of consequence. When I was in first grade my teacher told my parents that I was an under achiever. It was never a lack of intelligence or ability, the area of motivation was where I was deficient. Yes, even at the tender age of 6 I was a slacker. I say that with a measure humor, but it really is quite sad. Unlike ADD or dislexia or other learning disorders, being categorized as an underachievers placed all the blame and power in my hands. But I'm still left with the nagging question. Is laziness a personality trait? Can you be born a slacker?
I've experienced periods in my life where I was very successful. After struggling to graduate high school, when I got to college I found myself on honor roll and deans list 3 semesters in a row. Even when I didn't get all A's and B's a rarely had an overall GPA lower than 3.0. When I first started at my current job I received many compliments, bonuses, and even a promotion for giving 110% and impressing my bosses. It seems however, that I reach a point where my momentum slow to a stop. Where does all my get up go? Even when I want to push myself, I feel tired and uninspired. I know I have mentioned before my defective memory, that serves to further exacerbate the problem.
This is not an ending or conclusion but I've had enough of this topic. I'm going home. Tomorrow's another day.

Rush Over

Your music is so very beautiful, I want to feel you creep inside me
The warmth of a kiss beneath my berry skin
I want to experience the taste of dark berry nectar, the seed of life
Heaven everlasting, the phone just won't suffice no more
My imagination is filled and my cup runneth over
If you feel the same for me, yeah, the way I feel for you I'll rush over
Mmm there's no need, no, to be alone
Mmm, my want for you is rushing over
Patiently I wait for an invitation I often try to imagine
Picture you
For you're no more than a voice on my telephone
That I find myself rushing home to...
Your voice makes me wanna, do things I'm much too shy to say
You leave me to question
If you feel the same for me, yeah, the way I feel for you
I'll rush over
Tell me there's no reason to be alone
No, my want for you is rushing over
Won't you play for me?
If you feel the same for me the way I feel for you I'll rush over
There's no reason to be alone no, my want for you is rushing over

ME'SHELL NDEGEOCELLO

Racism Part III, Why I said it...

Like any trilogy, I will now go back to the beginning and give information missing from the first 2 installments, thus exposing the previously unknown motivation for the series...

At my office we get a lot of mail from shareholders from all over the country. A few days ago, while my boss was opening some mail she comes out of her office in a state of shock saying to no one in particular "That is SOO racist! That is sooo racist!" She wasn't shouting it, but she wasn't whispering either and this is a small office. Then she goes over to copier which is 5 feet from me and says to "James" who sits in front of me that she is going to fax this to her husband because he won't believe it if he doesn't see it. She shows a copy to "James" and a few others, then goes back in her office and nothing else is said. After all the hoopla dies down, I notice that she has not shown it to me or the one other Black person in the office. I quietly asked "James" to let me see it. It was a free "Back to Africa" ticket, with every degrading racial slur and stereotype imaginable. Comparing Blacks to monkeys, calling us dirty, useless and criminal, the whole gamut. Basically telling us all to hop on a boat and go back where we came from. One of our shareholders included it in with something they sent us. I guess they thought it was funny. Who knows how many unsuspecting businesses received this?
I put it in the shredder. Later, I think my boss realized that maybe she could have handled it better, cause she comes over to my desk and starts making conversation and being really nice (she very rarely comes to my desk to chit chat). It was almost funny. I don't think my boss is racist, I haven't gotten that vibe from anybody here (well, not strong vibes). I would never make that accusation against any of my coworkers. Just seeing that ticket ignited some emotions I haven't felt for a while.

I want to make it clear that I don't walk around with a chip on my shoulder shouting at the wind, complaining about the "suffering of my people." I don't hate white people or think that every white person is out to get me. I don't feel I need to tear down another race to uplift my own. I believe there is room for everybody to achieve we should all have pride in our individual and collective histories.
I recognize that many nationalities of people have been oppressed and abused. I acknowledge that this country we call home was once the land of Native Americans, or better the indigenous people of this continent. The name America comes from Amerigo Vespucci, a Florentine explorer who was a navigator with Christopher Columbus in 1499, and the first geographer to realize that the Americas were separate continents. It has also been argued that America was named after a wealthy Bristol merchant Richard Amerike. So, calling them Native Americans is no more accurate than calling them Indians. Yes, I've read a book. This was their land and we robbed, killed and terrorized them into near extinction. There are tribes that still remain, but we don't want to take the time to show them respect of learning who they are, so we cover them all with a nice P.C. "Native American" blanket.
It was not my assertion that Blacks are the only people in history to have experienced difficult times. It has been the nature of man throughout history to pick out those that are different, blame them for our own problems and punish them for it. The Irish, Italians, Chinese, Polish... have all been victims of systematic and institutionalized racism at various times.
The point is, I am Black in America, so that is the struggle I identify with most. I would never minimize the persecution of Jews during the Holocaust or the discrimination they still face today. I don't make it a habit of comparing racial struggles for equality or saying one race's pain is more tragic or significant than another's. I can say, however, that one has more relevance to ME.

Addendum...

In response to 2 anonymous comments:
If you are able to identify your nationality past "Black" then what I've written does not apply. If you are black and from Trinidad for example, or Black but know your family came from Libya for example, then no, what I wrote does not apply. I am referring to all the Blacks in America who know only that they are Black and can't trace their family history past the slave master's who owned their ancestors.

**At no point did I use the term "African American" or categorize anyone as being such.

***And to the person who called me a racist piece of trash, I'm not going to validate your ignorance with a rebuttal.

Racism Part II, Going Back to Africa...

Africa is a continent. If there is one thing that I've noticed they fail to emphasize in school is that Africa is a continent, the same way Europe and Asia are continents. From my first world geography lesson I've have been taught the various countries in Europe. Italy, Portugal, Spain, Ireland, England, Turkey, Romania, Hungary, Germany, Ukraine, Sweden, Belgium... there are dozens. And I was taught that each had it's own language, culture and history. And even though the descendants of immigrants from those countries today consider themselves simply American, they still know where they are from. It is the same with Asian countries. Japan, China, Cambodia, Malaysia, the Philippines, Singapore, Vietnam... Believe it or not Pakistan, Afghanistan, India, Saudi Arabia and the entire "middle east" is part of the Asian continent.
Not so with black people, why? Because AFRICA IS NOT A COUNTRY!! It takes up 20% of the earths land, and is more than 3 times the size of Europe. It is made up of dozens of smaller countries. Uganda, Somalia, Madagascar, Morocco, Egypt (yes, Cleopatra wasn't white), Mozambique, Chad Sudan, Tanzania... Just because all the people are of a darker complexion doesn't mean they are the same. They had their own languages, cultures, traditions, religions, family structures. Unfortunately, I had to get to college before anyone bothered mentioning this.
People don't realize the significance of identity. The ability to know who you are, even if you move on and become something else you still know where you come from. It is the same with Hispanics. They suffer discrimination once they arrive here, but the still have their own countries and a united spirit of shared nationality. Language, culture, history & family. I have many white friends who are American and love this country, but also are proud to be Italian, Greek or Irish and I think that is awesome, I envy that.
Black people are a creation of America; a product of colonization and slavery. We don't exist anywhere else in the world. I once heard the phrase, "We are America's bastard child." After slavery ended the country had to figure out what to do us. When we were brought here through the middle passage, our languages were beaten out of us, our cultures were beaten out of us. Once we were "free" we no longer had homes in Africa, because most of the continent had been raped and divided amongst the European powers (exception: Marcus Garvey's PanAfrica Movement & the Liberia Project http://www.marcusgarvey.com/). During reconstruction our former owners were disgusted by us, we were a constant reminder in the south of a lost war; and contrary to popular belief, we weren't really wanted up north either. One of the greatest testaments to the strenght of Black people is that we are still here. Hated, oppressed and held to the strictest version of freedom courtesy of the Black Codes, Jim Crow and legalized segregation, we have survived and managed to achieve so much greatness in the last 150 years. We taught our children to read and write when it was illegal and the penalty was a merciless beating or even death. Black people have fought in every American war, we had to fight to marry, vote, to hold office, earn the same wage, protect our families, attend the same schools, use the same bathrooms, to be seen as human beings. We had to fight to form a new identity and culture and rebuild our family bonds. Our freedom was not given, despite what they tell us in school. It was won, through many hard fought battles. If there is any race of people that should walk with pride, it is mine.

Racism Part I

I have to say one of the most troubling things about racism is the belief that it only exists in the South in trailer parks. It's so frustrating the way it is conveniently placed on the shoulders of the very poor or very stupid. For some reason it is accepted that educated, middle class people aren't racist. What a crock of SHIT! Let me tell you something that is a fact. There are as many racist people in the tristate area as you will find anywhere south of the mason dixon line. I went to a school district was 98% white and I learned alot during my 13 years there. It never ceased to amaze me the things my white classmates said when they thought I wasn't listening. (Sometimes worse were the things they said TO me because they felt I wasn't like "other Black people")
Up North we're taught to be so politically correct, but just because racism is frowned upon in public doesn't mean it isn't still thriving behind closed doors.
Every year of my education -from kindergarten to 12th grade- something was said or done that served to prove that prejudice is something that will always be. No matter how many times they play Martin Luther King Jr's "I Have A Dream speach." No matter how many Black History Month tributes, no matter how successful Oprah Winfrey gets, no matter how many times Halle Berry gets naked in a movie, or how many Oscars Denzel Washington wins, there will always be people that think Black people are useless dirty niggers. And you know what? I could probably live with that if they did only live in the south. Unfortunately, they live, work and play EVERYWHERE I do.
Yet time and time again when I discuss racism with my white friends, they insist that it's only rednecks that still feel that way. Then why is it just about every act of prejudice or discrimination I've experienced has been at the hands of middle class educated whites from nice families? I submit to you that some of the most racist people are wealthy, educated, and successful. This is not an assumption or a guess. This is truth that I've experienced my entire life. If only dirty "rednecks" discriminated then I would say affirmative action was no longer necessary. But as long as their is a chance the man interviewing me for a job or reviewing my application for admission to college uses the "N" word behind closed doors I think the government needs to step in on my behalf. This is not intended to be a rant about affirmative action, I just felt the need to throw that in. I want to say so much more, but I'll finish this later.
The topic is very emotional, so I want to take it slow so I don't get overwhelmed. Before I end this I want to sat that I'm am not accusing all white people of being racist. Most of the people I encounter regard me as a person equal to themselves and give me an fair chance, not letting prejudices or stereotypes affect the way they treat me.
Life is hard for everyone, I know that and I'm not suggesting that white people get a free ride. All I want is for them to understand is that there are things that I have had to deal with as a Black woman that they don't know and don't understand. Don't assume that just because you don't see crosses burning on people's lawns that racism has faded from exisistence.

In case you don't believe me, I went to a website, I don't want to advertise for them, but it is a white power sight. There are several white power websites on the internet by the way. One that I went to had a page with nothing but "jokes" Dozens, but I only pasted a few here. There were so many, SO MANY fucking jokes! And pictures, songs, T-shirts, patches, stickers, discussion boards. Even a "Nigger Owner's Manual" you could download. These sites are for men, women, teens, families. Anyone who wants to hate.

*When does a Black man turn into a nigger?
As soon as he leaves the room.
*What do you call a nigger with a Harvard education? Nigger.
*What do you call a nigger in a courtroom in a 3 piece suit? The defendant.
*Did you hear about the new Black Barbie? It comes with 12 kids, AIDS and a welfare check.

I don't put them there to make you laugh, but if you laugh then you just proved my point. I still live in the same community and these are the kinds of jokes the kids at my child's school are hearing. My son is 7 years old and last year he was told by some classmates that he couldn't play on the swings with them because it was for white kids only. You can dismiss that if you want and say, oh, they're just kids. Those kids heard it from someone, who heard it from someone else, who told it to someone...etc. And all these people live work and play in the same space as my kid and me and 1000's of other Black people.

"Insert Title Here"

I reached my one year anniversary at my job last Wednesday. It occurred to me that this is the first job I've ever worked full time for this long. Most jobs before this were part time or seasonal between semesters. I guess you would call this my first real grown up job. It feels kind of special. The only thing that would make it better would be the additional $2,500 a year I would be earning if I had my bachelor's degree instead of just an associates. When I first started here, I had every intention of going back and finishing my program, especially when I found out that my company gives tuition reimbursement. But as the months go by I'm finding my enthusiasm fading. I don't think I have the motivation to become a student again. This is the longest break I've ever taken. I took one year off in 2001 and worked for a company called Boston Coach taking travel reservations for spoiled executives who can't find their way from their own front door to the airport and back. I started in January got laid off in October due to travel cutbacks after the 9/11 terrorist attacks. It was a blessing in disguise because it made me realize that working in a call center was not a good career path. I drew unemployment for a couple months and then re enrolled at Delaware County Community College. Yes, I got my degree at a community college, screw you. That's a good school and I worked my ass off. DCCC has some of the highest standards you'll find anywhere and when I transferred to Temple University ALL my credits transferred with me. I'm a little sensitive about that, incase you didn't notice.
Anyway, I considered enrolling at St Joe's or Villanova, since they are close to my job. Then I thought I might have more success at one of those schools that cater to working adults with evening and online classes. I would need to get my loans under control first. I owe PHEA a few thousand already. Plus, I was studying secondary education and history before, and I only get my tuition reimbursed if I studying something in the area of business or finance.
No matter what I have to do something. In life you either keep moving forward or you stop. Lately I've had the feeling of slowing down and I don't like it. Gotta keep it moving. Later.

The Sweetest Thing...

The sweetest thing I've ever known
Was like the kiss on the collarbone
Soft caress of happiness
The way you walk your style of dress
I wish I didn't get so weak
Ooo baby just to hear you speak
Makes me argue just to see
How much you're in love with me
See like a queen a queen upon her throne
It was the sweet sweet sweetest thing I know
It was the sweet sweet sweetest thing I know
I get mad when you walk away (don't walk away)
So I tell you leave, when I mean stay
Warm as the sun dipped in black
Fingertips on the small of my back
More valuable than all I own
Like your precious, precious, precious, precious dark skin tone
It was the...Aaaah I tried to explain
Aaaah...but baby, it's in vain
Speaking on my mother's phone
The touching makes me think I'm grown, (you ain't grown)
Sweet prince of the ghetto
Your kisses taste like armoretto
Intoxicating, oh, so intoxicating
How sad, how sad that all things come to an end
But then again, I'm, I'm not alone
It was the sweet sweet sweetest thing I know
It was the sweet sweet sweetest thing I know

Lauren Hill

Writer's Block...

I hate typing on the laptop. The keys are all flat and my wrist feels weird.
I quit smoking 'round about a month ago and I'm not sure how I feel about that. I know I shouldn't smoke, and I hated the way it made me and my apartment smell. My mother and father were constantly guilt tripping me and even my son was starting to complain. So I quit, for like the 5th time. I quit for 3 years from 2000 to 2003. The other attempts were much shorter, anywhere from from 2 weeks to 3 months. I can't say right now whether I want a cigarette or not. The option is wandering around among my thoughts. I haven't had cravings bad enough to really tempt me. I did have one nicotine fit, it was intense, but it still wasn't enough to break me. What I experience is more a dull nagging from somewhere inside, constantly whispering to me. I ignore it, but I still hear it. I wonder will I eventually answer it, like I always have. I wonder if I will ever be completely free of it. I prayed for strength to overcome this addiction, because I know God doesn't want me to destroy my health. If I ask for him to help me resist temptations, I think he will hear me, it has worked so far. I think what eventually happens is I stop asking. Part of me feels like smoking is part of me, part of my identity. I do think it is dumb when people sue tobacco companies for their health problems. We all know the health risks when we take that first puff. But I do think it is immoral that they continue to profit from a product that is so addictive AND hazardous. Every smoker I know has tried to quit at least twice and always caved. People will stand outside in the freezing rain and snow to get a fix, women will smoke while pregnant, and when we try to quit we go through withdrawal symptoms like heroine addicts! If I had a time machine I would go back to the first 5 times I tried cigarettes (it took several attempts before the habit stuck) and smack the HELL out of myself. You know, hindsight and all that.

Whatever Lola Wants...

I decided that instead of "Here Comes The Bride" when I get married, I will come down the isle to this.

Whatever Lola wants, Lola gets
And little man, little Lola wants you,
Make up your mind to have, no regrets
Recline yourself, resign yourself you're through

I always get, what I aim for
And your heart and soul, is what I came for.
Whatever Lola wants, Lola gets
Take off your coat, Don't you know you can't win
You're no exception to the rule,
I'm irrezeestable you fool,
Give in(give in, you'll never win)
Whatever Lola wants Lola gets
Give in (give in, you'll never win)
Give in (give in, you'll never win)

Sarah Vaughn

Never In Your Sun....

I met her at Lovers Park, one rainy April Monday
Smiling soft and warm as on a clear December Sunday
Wearing taffeta and lace that matched her braided hair
With their coraled beads that sang to me
She said hi and asked me why was I looking with sorrow
When there were much brighter days in store for me tomorrow
I looked up at her and smiled and said, why I dont know
But would she agree, to stay with me?
And she said Never in your sun
She said never in your sun, then she said
I will only come, in your pouring rain to relieve the pain
So if you are at Lovers Park, and someone looks with sorrow
Ask them why are they so sad, when sunshine's theirs tomorrow
They'll reply they dont know why, and ask you please to stay, 'til the end of time,
And when they're, fine be kind and say
Never in your sun, just tell them
Never in your sun, then sayI will only come in your pouring rain, to relieve the pain
Never ever, never in your sun, never in your sun, believe that I will only come
In your pouring rain to relieve the pain

Stevie Wonder

Why isn't it Friday....?

I am sleepy and cranky and not in the mood for anything. I only have about 5 minutes to write this. I went to Saladworks for lunch and then had to buy a new wall charger for my cell phone. I left it at State College last year when I was visiting some friends. They claim they never found it. Anyway, I decided to stop being lazy and cheap and buy a new one. Damn thing cost me $20. I probably still wouldn't have bought it except I won $60 in my office SuperBowl pool. We had to guess total points from both teams. For those of you who didn't watch the game it was 45, Patriots 24 Eagles 21. My guess was 46, but I was the closest. I don't gamble and I don't really care about football, it was more for the fun of it. I will file my taxes today after work. Most likely my return will cover the expenses on my car and I can give my mother back her's. I miss my car!! I know you're not supposed to love material possessions, but it's more that that. My car may not a Mercedes or Jaguar or anything fancy like that; it's just a 1998 Ford Escort with 2 dents on the passenger side, but it's mine and it has always taken good care of me. Shit, I have to go back to work!!! There is more I want to write. I'll try to get back some time today.

Wild Horses

Childhood living is easy to do
The things you wanted I bought them for you
Graceless lady you know who I am,
You know I can't let you slide through my hands
Wild Horses couldn't drag me away,Wild, wild horses, couldn't drag me away
I watched you suffer a dull aching pain,
Now you've decided to show me the same
No sweeping exits or offstage lines
Can make me feel bitter or treat you unkind
Wild Horses couldn't drag me away,Wild, wild horses, couldn't drag me away
I know I dreamed you a sin and a lie,
I have my freedom but I don't have much time
Faith has been broken, tears must be cried,
Let's do some living after we die
Wild Horses couldn't drag me away,Wild, wild horses, we'll ride them someday
Wild Horses couldn't drag me away,Wild, wild horses, we'll ride them someday

words and music by Rolling Stones

More rambling and complaining...

Although I constantly struggle with myself image, there are days I feel confident and competent, like I'm a pretty cool person. Days when I feel attractive and capable. This weekend was kind of like that. I just recently got my hair braided again after several months, so I'm feeling more like myself again. Braids have been a part of my identity since high school and I don't feel quite right without them. I tend to be more flirty and outgoing when I have my micros. Anyways, this weekend. I needed this weekend because I've been feeling pretty down on myself. As annoying as it is when loser guys try to holla at me, it reminds me that I'm still holla-worthy, you know? I've had a string of dead ends with guys lately and I was beginning to be discouraged.
The feeling is compounded by the fact that I'm one of the few people I know in my age-range (25-30) who isn't married or engaged. The sad truth is, I've never even been asked. Well, sort of. Erik proposed to me 4 or 5 times, but he was a homeless, junkie/alcoholic with homosexual tendencies, so I can't really count him(I still have to tell you that story). My ex (the one who is still torturing me) and I discussed marriage several times. He said he was planning the proposal and that I would be really surprised. The irony is that he surprised me by not proposing, HAHAHAHA!!!! sigh
Both my older sisters have been married. Sure, the one is divorced, but she had 11 great years with her husband and they are still friends today. The other is about to get divorced, but that's not the point. There is something about being asked. That someone feels deeply enough for you that they spend money and take the time to pick out an engagement ring, propose, buy a tuxedo, tell their friends ... Even my parents were married to each other by the time they were my age.
My anxiety about marriage is compounded again since I am a single mother. I feel like I have all the responsibilities of family life, but none of the advantages, like a husband. Someone to share all this shit with, someone to come home to. And a regular source of initmacy and physical release would be nice. I have reached a point where the thought of sex outside of a committed, loving, monogamous relationship is no longer doable. I want to fall in love. Plus, I would like to have more kids. My son has a brother and sister courtesy of his father, but he rarely sees them.
My point from the beginning was I think I have renewed hope that I will find someone. I have a couple leads working, one that has definite potential. I think I'm kinda cute, pretty even, with a little effort. I'm compassionate, a good cook (when I feel like it). I have a decent figure (though I could stand to lose a few). I have a great smile with dimples and big boobs. I think that puts me in the top 30%. I'm joking, but serious. I know women who are not so cute, lazy/unemployed, selfish, psycho and stupid who are married or engaged. Granted, their partners are equally defective, but they found each other, you know? I know I have my -ish with me, but someone must exist who complements me. Someone short tempered, with a goofy sense of humor, who enjoys napping and watching cartoons. Where are you Romeo?

Quarter Life Crisis

Posted By Merry in Friendster
If you are in your 20's I recommend checking out this page. I could try to express this myself, but there is no need because it has already been worded perfectly.

What's good?

For those of you who don't know, "what's good" has replaced "what's up" as a greeting. This has been today's lesson in hip hop lingo.

Anyway, it's Friday, thank God! There was a bunch of stuff I wanted to write, but I have forgotten most of it. Damn. It was good stuff too. Well, the Super Bowl is Sunday. I'm not a football fan, but since I live in Philly that's pretty much anyone can talk about these days. Philly fans are freaking psycho. If the Eagle don't win, I feel sorry for everyone in Jacksonville cause I think the fans will riot in the streets. Hell, they might riot if we win. But that's not what I wanted to talk about.
I have this friend, who I used to be very close with and I completely adored him -in a platonic type way. So, he had a thing for me or whatever, at least that's what I thought. I don't know, it was very weird. Although I thought he was awesome, I didn't want to have a romantic thing with him because I didn't have any feelings for him in that way. I tried, I swear I tried to see him that way. Anyway, when he finally accepted he would spend the rest of his life being regarded only as a friend he became more and more distant. He accused me of using him as a stand in guy, someone to keep me entertained during periods when I was single. I didn't do that intentionally, well, not consciously. I figured it's a given that when you're in a relationship you naturally have less time for friends, and when you're single you have more time for friends. We wrestled back and forth with this, and went long periods where we didn't speak.
The problem is I still think he is awesome and I miss him!! He, however seems to prefer to keep me at arms length. I hate that. I feel like I'm being punished. I mean, according to him the whole thing is water under the bridge and he has no hard feelings toward me. He even went as far as to say in hind sight he realized he didn't feel anything for me. So what's the deal?
We used to see each other everyday and talk all the time. I realize that since he lives 3 hours away it's not possible to see him all the time, but he could still call!! He only sends me e-mails when he wants advice about something, and that's hardly ever. He stinks. I supposed one school of thought is that I should say f#@% him, forget the whole thing. A real friend you woudn' t have to chase. But I don't want to. Why? I'm not sure.
He has a girlfriend now; I think she's a flake, I don't feel like getting into that whole thing, you'll just have to trust me. These days we don't really speak, but we do exchange e-mails from time to time. I find that I am a bit too happy when I see something in my inbox from him. He has a blog too, and I check the damn thing everyday. I'm such a dork. I don't know. This sucks. I want my friend back.