Toward the mark...

So I’m going to be 28 years old in 19 days. I always get reflective around this time of year. My birthday is a big deal to me. I just recently finished reading The Purpose Driven Life. Finishing it was emotional for me on many levels, partially because I originally began reading it with the man I thought I was going to marry. Now I will stop, to sigh and reflect briefly over that fiasco, then pull myself together to finish this post. After all, this is not going to be about him, or what could have been...

This post is about looking forward. Paul wrote that we are to forget those things which are behind and press forward. I’m paraphrasing; if you want the whole verse consult your nearest Bible. Philippians 3:13. Anyway, I find myself hopeful about the future, and when I keep my focus on Jesus rather than my own fears I know it will all be okay. The important thing now is to being living in my purpose. You can’t pray then worry.

For as long as I can remember I wanted to be a teacher. As I matured I became even more certain I would make my career working with kids -teenagers specifically. Those at that awkward, confused age when they are learning to become adults and are making decisions, not always realizing that those choices can have long term and permanent effects.

Teenagers both fascinate and irritate me. Example, the other night I was driving home, I was on my street about to park across from my house. My street is a regular 2 way residential street, though traffic is a little heavier than on other streets in the neighborhood because it connects to a larger main road. It was dark, almost 9pm, and as I approached I see the silhouette of 4 maybe 5 girls walking dead along the middle of the street. I slow, forcing my eyes to focus on them, and out of no where another girl on a bike swerves out even further, directly into my path. She scared the crap out of me!! As I pulled in my space I leaned out of my window and began fussing at them like an old person. Don’t you know these fools actually proceeded to yell back at me?? As if they were anything but wrong!

I remember being so upset inside; questioning myself... could I handle that? That is how teenagers are, after all; rebellious, full of attitude and ready to challenge authority at every turn. Would the struggle beat me? Would these kids get the best of me and send me running for the hills? Do I have what it takes? I think part of the reason I have been reluctant to continue my studies is because of those reservations. Could I really make a difference?

I prayed over it for a while, asking God to give me clarity. I still know where I’m supposed to be. He has given me this passion for a reason; he has given me this purpose. Now I just have to trust that he has also placed in me the tools necessary to fulfill it.

Surprises

This one Christmas I remember I wanted a CD player. It was when they first became a mainstream item. Like early 1990's. I was in middle school, still listening to music on tape. A couple of my friends had portable disc players.
I was opening presents and my mom handed me a package that was flat and square, about 4 inches on each side. I though, YES! She is giving me the CD first as a teaser, then she will give me the CD player. I just KNEW it was a CD. But I didn't want her to know that I had guessed. So I continued, with a sly smile on my face, casually unwrapping the gift...

Life is funny. Life can kind of suck sometimes too. You never know what to expect, and its at those moments when you foolishly allow yourself to believe you've figured it out that the roof falls in on your head. The person you may have believed was out to get you, steps in and saves you in that crucial moment. The person you thought you could count on for anything turns out to be the greatest disappointment ever. I guess the only person in life you can really count on is yourself. I know I will always have my back. 

Childhood friends make vows to be "Best Friends Forever". But people grow up, and childhood things get put away.
The people who got me through college, who became like family, who I thought would always be just a phone call away seem farther and farther. But life takes you to places you may not expect and you have to make adjustments. Some promises just get broken.

Lovers who swore their hearts to me, quickly forgot their sweet pillow talk when times got tough.
Through it all, it's been God and me. From the day I was born to the day I die. He is the only real constant. I'm learning how truly foolish it is to put your trust in anyone but God. Not because people are bad, but because they are people.

...But back to my story. As you may guessed, I did not get a CD player for Christmas that year. When I opened the wrapping I found a box containing a round, metal belt holder to hang from the bar in my closet. I was a typical teenager and my mother had complained many times about me leaving my belts and purses scattered about. So she bought this, closet organizer I guess, to get my things off the floor. It just happened to have almost the exact same dimensions as a compact disc. Ironic, huh?

I still have that belt holder today.

That is all.

Five Rings

You came into my life like a whirlwind,
All sound and fury signifying
EVERYTHING!
But now you're gone and I find myself a
Storm chaser.
Running towards rain clouds seeking that elemental fix
I crave.
It wasn't supposed to be like this
The waiting for the next electric jolt,
So my heart could beat again.
The next gust of wind,
So I can breathe again.
The next thunderous clap,
So I can hear you call my name again.
So now I'm a storm chaser getting no closer to being wrapped up in the hurricane like down pour of some one I now long for.
So now I'm a storm chaser, and I don't know how much more of this I can endure.

I stole this, but I will give credit where it is due. http://lifeoffiverings.blogspot.com

Love...

This is where I attempt to say something wise and insightful about love and relationships.
I’m supposed to share some deep secret I’ve learned.
Well, guess what? I don’t know squat about love or relationships!!!!!!
I’m just as confused as the rest of you and wondering what the heck have I gotten myself into?!
Oh, love. What a foolish emotion.

They say it’s worth it. Something about it being beautiful or some such nonsense.
Yeah, beautiful like a train wreck.
Are you sensing my frustration? Are you feeling me, nonreaders?

If relationships were easy you wouldn't need to be in love.

I chose. I made a commitment.
I stand by my choice. I will honor my commitment.

I’m going to ride this mutha f*cka ‘till the wheels falls off.

How foolish.

That is all.