Nothing Is Ever Simple...

So, my ex. He is determined to torture me for the rest of my life by being super nice to me while being completely oblivious to the fact that I am still hopelessly in love with him. Where is this coming from? I got my hair braided this weekend in South Philly and I was on foot because of the car situation. I called him ONLY because I know he knows how to navigate Septa very well and I was looking for the best way to get to South Street. Let me give you a little background...

I met him February of 2002 and it was literally love at first sight. We were a couple basically from that first moment. When were together it was heavenly. I had never been happier. He everything I wanted and needed in a partner and I was ready for forever with him. He has a son close in age to mine and they got along great, I loved his family he loved my family. For a year and a half it seemed we were perfect for each other. We discussed marriage after graduation, having at least one more child (a girl), where we might live. Here's the problem. He has the attention span of a ferret on speed. He was wonderfully motivated and enthusiastic about making something of himself. But he had this need to constantly be involved in several projects at once. He was attending college, participating in theater, working 2 parttime jobs and raising a son. Not to mention his father was constantly dragging him along on projects for this and that. Please don't misunderstand. Everything he was doing was good , but he was constantly breaking dates, showing up late or not showing up at all and not bothering to call. 2 weeks after his birthday I had enough of getting jerked around and gave him an ultimatum.
Either slow down and devote more time to our relationship or end it. And the rest is history. No angry blow up, no bitter words. I think it would be easier if he had given me a reason to hate him, but he was a sweetheart up to the end. He knew would never be happy if he gave up his projects and involvements, and he knew I wouldn't be happy unless he did. The breakup was very mature and rational. So, because there was no angry blow up or insults you can't take back, we maintained a casual friendship. We call each other on birthdays and holidays, or just to check in from time to time. It has been torture, but I felt it would be bitchy and immature not be be friendly. Damn that was long. Now that you're up to date I'll finish my story...

By the time my hair was done I'd missed the last train and it was snowing and freezing , so he offered to pick me up and take me home. I decline several times, but he insisted. (Why must he be so nice??!!) He's just so cute and so sweet and I just love him and WHY WHY WHY!!!??? This is why I believe he exists only to torture me. Most people tell me I should tell him how I feel and ask him to not call me anymore, but I did that! Twice, but every few months he pops up being all sweet and nice, to see how I am. What am I supposed to say? The truth is I want to talk to him. For a while I thought I had closed my heart on the issue, but the feelings won't go away. All I can figure is we are still meant for each other and if I just wait one day when he's finally ready to settle down... It's not like there's a crowd of guys beating each other up to get to me. I'm not saying that I'm putting myself on a shelf and waiting for this to happen, if I meet someone else I would pursue it. I just still think there could be a chance for us. Do I sound like an absolute loser? I do, don't I? Never mind, forget I brought it up.

I hate titles. Too much pressure to be clever...

I am not feeling inspired to write anything right now, but here I am so I better think of something so I'm not wasting your time as the reader or my time as the writer.
Last night, after I put my son to bed, I was sitting at my computer playing freecell (still no internet) and eating pepperoni and cheese (still no life), when my little sister called me. A little background before I continue. She is not a blood relative, we have different parents and did not grow up together. But she has endeared herself to me and is irreplaceable. She is one of the reasons I haven't slipped into a deep depression and slit my wrists in the last 2 years.
So she called me last night to make plans to go out tonight. She is determined to make sure I have a social life and go out for fun atleast a couple times a month. At first it was easy, but lately she's had to drag me kicking and screaming out of the door. Part of the reason is my car went into a coma right before Christmas, and it will cost $1000 to get it running again. Yeah, wait a second while I pull that out of my ass. So I've been driving my mother's car like a big loser to get back and forth to work and stuff. I don't feel I should abuse her kindness by taking her car on joyrides all over Philly.
I think tonight I will go see Phantom of the Opera the movie. It is playing at the Ritz on Walnut Street, so I'm going to take the train. I am a huge fan of the score. When I was in middle school my music teacher had us do a medley for our 8th grade spring concert. Think of Me was my favorite song until I heard All I Ask of You. And Music of the Night, Masquerade and Prima Dona, well all of them are so moving and emotional... The movie isn't really getting good reviews, and they have Minnie Driver playing the diva Carlotta!! Minnie Driver doesn't sing! And you can't lip sync opera! That's tacky. But I feel I must see it if I want to call myself a true fan. I read the book "Phantom" a few weeks ago. It gave another twist on the life of the Phantom and how he came to be. It was ironic, in that version his real name is Eric. Eric, wow. Maybe one day I'll write about Erik and you'll understand the irony.

I've been cruising the site and this is what I found...

"I guess the real question is: who am I? But then perhaps the other real question is: who are you? Another really real question is: who is that guy over there and why am I not wearing shoes today? But you might then ask yourself a real question of realness, reality, and realolopolis: why am I reading this again? And for that, I give you a circus peanut."

That is not my quote, I swiped it from someone else's blog but it totally describes how I feel today. It is from Pleasantly Confused, a very cool clarinet player with a flair for story telling. So, I spent the last few days peeking in on my fellow bloggers and you people are pretty interesting. A lot of high school kids, artists and poets, photographers (Sara) and a lot of people who don't post in English. That's really frustrating because their blogs were often the most appealing visually. Some of it is MAD BORING and some is completely incoherent, like people do acid and stuff right before they post. I'm going to have to learn how to add all the pictures and links and sounds and stuff. It occurred to me that a good way to get my blog read is to let other bloggers know I'm reading their stuff.
I am again at work, such a slacker! But my load has been light this week, and posting here allows me to appear busy so I don't get more work!! Yes! The ability to look very busy (and switch between screens so coworkers can't see what you're really doing) is a valuable and useful skill. Most of us pick it up in high school, along with how to bullshit essay questions on tests.
Anyway, um... I forgot. Oh yeah, sameness! That is what I discovered as I surfed the blog wave. People are really so similar. So many of us expressed feelings of isolation, confusion and differentness (if that's a word). We all seem frustrated and/or annoyed with our place in life and we're all just trying to make it work and get through the day without falling apart or killing someone. That's awesome. Well, you know what I mean, it means that maybe life doesn't suck as much as it seems because everyone seems to be in pretty much the same state. I read one blog written by a woman who used to be Mormon and is having problems in her marriage because her husband is still Mormon. Then there was this one man, married with 2 small boys who just got his 5 year old toilet trained, which for me seemed ridiculous. To not be potty trained past 3 years old is unheard of where I come from. Then there are the losers who use the blog to talk about computer programming or post sports stats. Not even sports commentary, just the stats.
Shit, I have to get some work done or my supervisor might begin to suspect something. Later

A Monday, but not that bad...

I think it will be a challenge for me to keep this updated regularly. I'm at work now, finally finished the days work a full hour after I should have gone home. Yes, I am dedicated. I think I'm too much of a perfectionist. Wow, me a perfectionist? Is that possible given how lazy I am? But honestly when it comes to my job I will obsess over the smallest detail for fear that something will be presented wrong. I don't want to make the company look bad. I really am grateful to be employed anywhere with the economy being as it is. And considering my lack of a bachelor's degree I'm doing pretty well. I'm living check to check, but I'm surviving. Yes, there are bills that get shuffled and others I conveniently ignore, but my son and I have a roof over our heads, food in the fridge, heat, electricity, clean clothes and basic cable. I'd say I'm ahead of the game.
I still haven't told anyone my blog sight, well I told Rob I had one but not what it was called. I don't want people to think I'm doing this for attention. I'd rather they stumble upon it on their own, or better yet after I'm dead. I've spent too much time being vain, seeking attention and approval. I didn't realize you could be so arrogant and still have low self esteem. Yes, I have low self esteem. I guess that's what you call it. I am really hard on myself because it seems like I'm constantly saying or doing incredibly stupid things. Sometimes I wonder if I was born without social skills or common sense. I often ask myself "What it wrong with me?" I think I mentioned in my previous post that I also have a defective memory. I know alot of people say that, but for me it is true, and it has been a form of handicap my entire life. I think I was diagnosed with ADD as a teenager. I did the Ritlin thing but my dosage must have been off because I remember not being able to sleep at night because I could feel my eyeballs moving. Today I am drug free and have learned to accept it is yet another one of my faults that I will forever kick myself for. I really should be nicer to myself. The truth is I do love myself, I am my favorite person and the funnest person I know. Why do I have to be such a dumbass?
As far as this blog, I want people to hear me, but not for my own gratification. Well, maybe a little. I'm not super intelligent or eloquent, not so clever I could be a writer for Seinfeld (joke), but I think I'm fairly smart, reasonably interesting, accidentally amusing if not actually funny. Maybe someone would enjoy reading this, or get something out of it, I don't know. I have to go, it's snowing and I still have to drive home.

Nothing Clever Comes To Mind....

I have kept a journal since I was 12 years old. At one point I made entries every night, long and detailed. As I got older and life became more complicated and my responsibilities grew I found I had less time. These days I go months without writing a word. I regret these omissions, because there are SO MANY times and occurrences I wish I had documented. I have been cursed with a defective memory, so unless there were other witnesses to help me reconstruct events they are lost forever. That make me kind of sad. Hopefully this will become a diary of sorts. I probably won't go into all the personal and intimate details here as I would a private journal, but who knows....
I have a date on Friday. This is the first date I've had in several months.. This is the first time in years I've actually been excited about going out with a new guy. I don't want to say much more, I don't trust it, I'll tell you about it another time.
Unfortunately I don't have internet access on my home computer, that is a luxury I can't afford right now (along with a new car and regular manicures), so I will only post from work during lunch breaks, or when I can borrow my mother's laptop.
I titled this Gift From Virgo, and if you assume it is because I am a Virgo you won't be making an ass of u or me. I don't get into astrology that deeply. I would never follow the advise of a horoscope in a newspaper or magazine. I wouldn't have my chart done, or expect the stars to tell me anything accurate or specific about my future. Having said that I must now contradict myself because I do enjoy reading about it sometimes, and find the characteristics attributed to my sign surprisingly accurate at times. One of the things I read is that Virgo is the sign of virtue and virginity. Anyone who knows me will have to chuckle at that. My virginity has been gone for over a decade and there have been periods in my past where my "virtue" was seriously in question. But I like to think that virtue is an aspiration for me rather than an innate trait. We are all born innocent and pure, and slowly but steadily life beats it out of us. So although I will never be completely innocent and pure again, I want to replace old virtues with new ones. Love, patience, faith, hope. Those are the gifts I hope to receive and share. Sounds corny? Maybe, but it works for me.