Outside...

It's hard to explain, inherently it's just always been strange
Neither here or there
Always somewhat out of place everywhere
Ambiguous... Without a sense of belonging to touch
Somewhere halfway, feeling there's no one completely the same
Standing alone eager to just believe
it's good enough to be what you really are
But in your heart uncertainty forever lies
And you'll always be somewhere on the outside
Early on, you face the realization
you don't have a space where you fit in
And recognize you were born to exist
Standing alone eager to just believe
it's good enough to be what you really are
But in your heart, uncertainty forever lies
And you'll always be somewhere on the outside
And it's hard, irreversibly falling in between
And it's hard to be understood as you are
Oh, and God knows, that you're standing on your own
Blind and unguided into a world divided you're thrown
Where you're never quite the same
Although you try try and try to tell yourself you really are
But in your heart-uncertainty forever lies
And you'll always be somewhere on the outside

Shareholder Correspondence...

My mother and I both work in the financial industry. She works with bonds and mutual funds, I work with stock. We both have to deal with shareholders, sometimes the shareholders get annoyed with us and send correspondence to complain about the service they received. A few weeks back she received a letter that was too funny not to share. Here is an excerpt:

"I am always curious as to what you people learned in school, obviously not how to read, I imagine that you were all into the drug scene and did not have time to learn how to read English...I find you snobbish and you probably voted for George Bush, like a good Republican. Democrats do not operate in the fashion you do..."

I love people!

Close My Eyes

I was wayward child with the weight of the world that I held deep inside
Life was a winding road and I learned many things little ones shouldn't know

But I closed my eyes
Steadied my feet on the ground
Raised my head to the sky
And though time's rolled by
I still feel like a child
As I look at the moon
Maybe I grew up a little too soon

Funny how one can learn to grow numb to the madness and block it away
I left the worst unsaid let it all dissipate and I try to forget
Nearing the edge, obvious I almost fell right over
A part of me will never be quite able to feel stable
That woman-child falling inside was on the verge of fading
Thankfully I woke up in time

Guardian angel I sail away on an ocean
With you by my side
Orange clouds roll by
They burn into your image
And you're still alive (You're always alive)

Look, it's almost a dog...

I have always had a deep love for the city. I was raised in the suburbs, but my mother and older sister worked in center city so I used to take the train to see them sometimes. Sometimes we would go to the gallery or of course South St. I'm the kind of person who loves riding the train and the subway. I love the pigeons and noise, I enjoy eating from those little metal vendors on the street. I prefer a Philly cheesesteak from a center city vendor to Geno's or Pat's. I think those two are overpriced, overratede tourist attrations. Although Pat's cheese fries are bangin. And that's the only place I've found that has fountain cherry soda!
Anyway, as I got older I was able to venture more and more into the various neighborhoods and always felt like I was on an adventure. I've had boyfriends in southwest Philly, north, south. I had a best friend that lived in Overbrook Park,another good friend from Frankfort. I had a job near the airport. I attened Freedom Theater on Broad St. I used to volunteer at Urban Artscapes which was part of MOCS (Mayors Office for Community Service). And of course I attended Temple University as an education major, so I was able to tour the various school and community centers. Even still, I know most of the city is still a vast mystery to me.

Eric was an orphan, originally from the Philadelphia, and homeless for a portion of the time I knew him, so he knew the city well. He was a nomad in the true modern sense. I haven't seen him in over a year, but there is always a chance that at any given moment he will materialize, somewhere out of the blue.
I met him in the Spring of 1999 on South St one day while on a working/training lunch for a security alarm company. I was headed to a little Greek restaurant when I spotted this cutie playing a video game at the arcade a few stores down. The first thing I noticed was his blue eyes. He saw me looking, gave me an cocky smile, which I returned, then I kept walking. I told the woman I was with and she encouraged me to go get him. To this day I debate with myself, was that good advice? Should I thank her? Or if I ever see her again should I cuss her out? Either way, I collected all my arrogant sex appeal and went to catch me a man....

Friday...

This week has been pretty uneventful. That is why as opposed to writing anything I just posted the lyrics to some of my most favorite songs. As much as I would like to take credit, I did not write any of them. Even still, they are a peek into my heart and mind.
The song Cry I posted "For Travis" exactly describes how I feel about my son's father. After all the stuff he has put my son and me through, I just wish I could sense a little remorse on his part. I need to know that all that I have gone through at his hand was not entirely in vain.
I posted Never In Your Sun by Stevie Wonder. I've loved that song since I was a child. There have been times in my life when I felt like my existence was just a series of disappointments and pain. During those times God sent people to me to show me that life will go on, and that something beautiful can be waiting if you hold on long enough. These people stay in my life for only a season and then are gone, but leave a mark on my heart that never goes away.
Wild Horses was originally a Rolling Stones song, but I fell in love with a remake by the Sundays. If I knew how to put music on this site I would use it. It may not be a "love song" technically, but it will forever remind me of being in love. The best and worst of it.
I Will Never Be the Same by Melissa Etheridge. I heard that song the first time in the movie Welcome Home Roxy Carmichael. The song tells of 2 people bonded by pain and love. They share the most intimate details of their lives and emotions, then one disappears without a trace, leaving the other standing in the shadow of the encounter with only memories. It is for Erik. Maybe someday I'll tell you why.
The Sweetest Thing by Lauren Hill!!! I think one of her best by far. Fully captures my first experience being really in love with someone. That first grown up down deep in your bones love. That feeling when love forgets you...
Jezebel by Sade. Jezebel. Oh, if only I could tell you. There are certain secrets that I will have to hold close to my heart for always.
I guess some might say it is lazy or a cop-out to post songs by other people instead of using my own words, but why spend time trying to express a sentiment when someone else has already captured it so perfectly? I will try to post my own original thoughts as often as possible, and credit the author for any and all borrowed thoughts.

Look for my next posts... Outside and Close My Eyes by Mariah Carey

For Erik...

So you walked with me for a while
Bared your naked soul
And you told me of your plan
How you would never let them know

In the morning of the night
You cried a long lost child
And I tried, oh I tried to hold you
But you were young
And you were wild

But I, I will never be the same
Oh I, I will never be the same
Caught in your eyes
Lost in your name
I will never be the same

Secrets of your life
I never wanted for myself
But you guarded them like a lie
Placed up on the highest shelf

In the morning of the night
When I woke to find you gone
I knew your distant devil
Must be draggin' you along

But I, I will never be the same
Oh I, I will never be the same
Caught in your eyes
Lost in your name
I will never be the same

And you swore that you were bound for glory
And for wanting you had no shame
But I loved you
And then I lost you
And I will never be the same

Caught in your eyes
Lost in your name
I will never be the same

MELISSA ETHERIDGE

Jezebel

Jezebel wasn't born with a silver spoon in her mouth
She probably had less than every one of us
But when she knew how to walk she knew
How to bring the house down
Can't blame her for her beauty
She wins with her hands down

Jezebel, what a belle
Looks like a princess in her new dress
How did you get that?
Do you really want to know? she said

It would seem she's on her way
It's more, more than just a dream
She put on her stockings and shoes
Had nothing to lose - she said it was worth it

Reach for the top
And the sun is gonna shine
Every winter was a war, she said
I want to get what's mine

Jezebel, Jezebel
Won't try to deny where she came from
You can see it in her pride
And the raven in her eyes

Try show her a better way
She'll say you don't know what you've been missing
And by the time she blinks you know she won't be listening

Reach for the top, she said
And the sun is gonna shine
Every winter was a war, she said
I want to get what's mine

Sade

Dreams...

In the stillness of remembering what you had...

And what you lost...

Kind of Nice...

When that guy that I really like calls me just to see how my day is going.
When one of my sisters offers to keep my son for a day so I can have some time to myself.
When I see my parents kiss and show affection to each other after being together over 30 years.
When I step outside this time of year and can really smell spring in the air.
When my son runs up and hugs me and tells me he loves me and doesn't want anything in return except my attention.
When I'm annoyed and stressed at work and one of my favorite song comes on the radio. For those 4 minutes I'm able to pretend I'm not here.
When a friend I haven't heard from in a while sends me an e-mail to tell me they were thinking of me.
Laying in the grass on a warm summer day soaking the sun in through my skin.
Enjoying an ice cream cone and NOT worrying that it will make me fat.
Shuffling around my apartment in my soft fluffy slippers.
Taking a nap.
Sharing a laugh with coworkers.
Laughing at my coworkers.
Fresh hot lasagna. With garlic bread.
Fresh hot coffee in the morning.
When my niece laughs.
Spending time talking with my dad and feeling like his little girl again.
Spending time talking with my dad and realizing that he finally sees me as a grown woman.
Dancing in my living room like nut.
Singing at the top of my lungs in my car (with the windows rolled up)
Letting myself cry when I need to.
Making myself laugh when I need to.
Knowing that no matter how bad life may seem, there are people that will always love me.
Knowing that everything will be okay (Thanks Nas)

For Travis...

If I had just one tear running down your cheek
Maybe I could cope, maybe I'd get some sleep
If I had just one moment at your expense
Maybe all my misery, would be well spent

Could you cry a little? Lie just a little?
Pretend that your feeling a little more pain?
I gave, now I'm wanting something in return
So cry just a little for me

Give it up baby I hear your goodbye
Nothin's gonna save me, I see it in your eyes
Some kind of heartache, darlin' give it a try
I don't want pity, I just want what is mine

Could you cry a little? Lie just a little?
Pretend that you're feeling a little more pain?
I gave, now I'm wanting, something in return
So cry just a little for me
Cry just a little for me
Could you cry just a little for me?

Faith Hill

45 Things That Piss Me Off...

Top 5 At Work
1. People who don't bother to read the directions I send them and then call me to ask stupid questions like I have nothing else to do.
2. Brokers and attorneys who are too fkucnig lazy to do their jobs, so they call me so I do all the work for free and then bill their clients $500 an hour.
3. People who lose stock certificates worth $50,000 and try to blame everyone else.
4. Bad liars (that's not just at work)
5. Foreign holders -I'm sorry if that is unprofessional, but I can't help you if you don't speak English! Why buy stock in American company if you don't speak the language? Or if you can afford to invest large sums of money the stock market hire a financial advisor to handle that stuff for you!

Top 5 About Men (Not all, but too many)
1. When they want the privileges of a relationship but not the responsibilities.
2. When they won't move out on their own!
3. When they don't read!! I mean they know how, but won't pick up book and read it.
4. When they are over 25 and still smoke weed.
5. When they still behave the same way they did at 21. Same friends, same job, same habits, no goals, no focus, but want to be treated like a man. Grow up!

Top 5 When I'm Driving
1. People who wait until the last minute to put on their turn signals then slam on the brakes
2. People who drive slow in the left lane! Hey genius, glance in your rear view from time to time. If there are 15 cars bunched up behind you, and there's no traffic jam, speed up or move over.
3. When two cars drive side by side at the same pace so you can't pass either one. Argh!
4. People who blast their music in traffic jams. It's one thing if traffic is moving, but when we're all stuck there, turn it down!
5. People who leave their turn signals on for 5 miles.

Top 5 About My Son
1. He acts too much like his father
2. He acts too much like my father
3. He acts too much like me
4. When he does something he's not supposed to do and then lies about it. (He's a terrible liar)
5. He makes me laugh when I'm trying to be mad at him.

Top 5 My Friends Do
1. They tell me about the dumb stuff they do and get mad when I tell them they are dumb.
2. The ones I love talking to never call, and the ones that make me want to hang myself call everyday.
3. None of them have cars!
4. When they can tell I'm full of B.S. and call me on.
5. When they see me doing something dumb, self destructive stuff and don't call me on it.

Top 5 About My Parents
1. My mom is so determined to be independent, she will push herself until the point that she hurts herself rather than ask for help.
2. When my dad says "We should..." but really mean "You guys should..."
3. When they act as if they just met. They've been married 27 years, why do they still act surprised by the things the other does?
4. That even though my father is mental, I will marry someone just like him.
5. That no matter how much my mother makes me nuts I know I will be exactly like her.

Top 15 About Me (Because I'm really annoying)
1. I'm late for everything
2. I'm terrible at managing my money
3. I have a very unusual sense of humor
4. I have no follow through. I'm constantly starting projects them dropping them half way through.
5. I get too involved in other people's problems.
6. I have a defective memory and forget the most basic and/or necessary things.
7. As a result of #6 I lose everything. Purse, wallet, important papers, keys...
8. I get attached to people too quickly
9. I blow things out of proportion
10. I snore like a bear.
11. I have big feet
12. I have a big head (really, I can't fit regular sized hats!)
13. It's easier for me to stay up all night and sleep during the day
14. I can't think of 15 things!! ARRGGH!!!
15. Hehehe

Wawa, BAM and sneaker envy...

I was at the market a few days ago and saw some kids skateboarding out front. One of them had on a pair of really cute sneakers. They were wide, with thick laces and colored red white and blue. Being a fan of all shoes near and far, I had to stop and ask him what brand they were and where he purchased them. I think he initially taken back by my compliment. He was a young white guy, probably like 15 years old, so I don’t imagine he often has random Black women coming up to him to compliment his shoes. Anyway, he recovered quickly and told me they are made by Emerica.
The next day I went to my local Wawa and asked one of the cashiers, I’ll just call him Mr Cute Wawa guy, if he was familiar with the brand. I have a minor crush on him and look for any reason to make conversation with him.
A few weeks ago I came in and he was wearing a big belt buckle that said “BAM” as in Viva La Bam, a show on MTV. I’m not a big fan of the show, but I’ve seen it enough times that I was able to chat him up and find out he was into skateboarding.
Mr Cute Wawa guy gave me the address for a website (http://www.ccs.com) and told me I should be able to find the sneakers there.
I should say for the record that I do not skateboard, I can barely stand up on one, but I will be a poser and buy some anyway. I love to watch skateboarding; I respect it as a sport. My son and I attend the XGames when they come to Philly. I bought my son all the Tony Hawk games for Playstation and he mastered them, does all that count?
I never understood why people get so bent out of shape when kids skateboard in Love Park or empty parking lots. It used to irk me in high school when the cops would bust kids for skateboarding behind our school. I think people get upset over the dumbest stuff. I think if I had been born a White guy I'd probably skateboard. I don't think black women are born with the right equilibrium for skateboarding. Or enough coordination to play with hackey sacs; so I have to just watch with envy. *Please note humor
So, my plan is to buy these cute sneaks tomorrow, and as soon as they come in the mail I will take a trip to see Mr Cute Wawa guy. Teehee.

Monday!!!!

So of course my plan to do something fun this weekend failed miserably. Shock. I spent yet another Friday night at, you guessed it, Chuck E Cheese. This time I had my son and my nephew. I agreed to let my nephew spend the night. I didn't take him home until Saturday evening. After I dropped him off we went straight home and into bed. Sunday service was good, we were a little late, as usual. I just can't get myself together.
Came home, cooked a nice dinner, straightened up the apartment, did laundry. Wow, Lindsay Lohen and Paris Hilton ain't got nothing on me. Woohoo!
Seriously, though. I have got to get a life. Fortunately, I no longer believe getting a life is synonymous with getting a man. I have goals and stuff, personal aspirations, I'm just too lazy to follow through with them. I SAID I wanted to learn to play the guitar. So I get a guitar and it has been sitting next to my bed collecting dust for 2 months. I CLAIMED I wanted to learn Spanish. I have the language lesson tapes, but have I listened to them in the last 3 weeks? NO! I ALLEGEDLY want to loose weight, but do I watch my diet? NO! Do I exercise 3 times a week? NO! Next time I start to complain about the state of my life, please just smack me.

Another Friday...

I am determined to do something fun this weekend. Something just for me. I've had a frustrating, up and down kind of week and I think I deserve to let loose for a few hours. I've been saying for the last 2 weeks I was going to go to the Cave and see some sexy men shake their money makers, but I have not made it. I don't know if I really want to go, I've never gone to a male strip club. I've been to female strip clubs; most of my friends in college were guys so I went where they went. Anyway, I'm doing something. I'm still young!! I need to be out getting into stuff. My last 2 Fridays were spent at Chuck E Cheese.

I did The Firm Cardio Workout last night. It was pretty good, I sweated, I feel like I accomplished something. I'm a little sore this morning, but not too bad. I realized I am not as coordinated as I once was. As a cheerleader I was able to pick up combinations and choreography without much trouble, but last night I felt like a moron! Those routines are complicated. Don't laugh.

I have to go back to work...